Korpi Kwotes 

Through the years, in my attempts to illustrate my points, I have reportedly said some oxymoronic things and some pretty plain moronic things.  Many are malapropisms, pleonasms, and tautologies.  Here is a collection of the latter type of quips, quotes, and quarks that students have collected or tried to forget.  I neither confirm nor deny saying these things.

1.         I can guarantee that you might not understand this.

2.         I’m coming to you live, not prerecorded!

3.         The preceding theorem is called the ‘Squeeze Theorem,’ except in lunch-hour class, where we refer to it as the ‘Sandwich Theorem.’

4.         The Squeeze Theorem is the rule at play here.  Actually, it is at work.

5.         Goldfish have a memory of only 7 seconds.  So, if you told them the same joke over and over again, they would laugh every time.

6.         Save the tomatoes for the Pasta. (after one student put down another.)

7.         OOPS, Tall carpet.  (after stumbling and nearly falling from dragging my feet.)

8.         You don’t want to go out in the hall and dance with me, cause I’m a bad dancer, and I’ll step all over you.

9.         Abbreviations are OK.  Mathematicians are notorious for shorthanding, just don’t abbreviate you numbers or your thoughts.

10.      MMMMMM.  That was a good lunch, but I digest.

11.      I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is, there’s no bad news.

12.      You wouldn’t get much coke from a can with zero radius.  All you’d get is angrier . . . which would just make you thirstier.

13.      Coke cans are made by the millions.  This one in my hand, since it’s unopened, is not worth much, maybe 50 cents . . . or a dollar at Six Flags.

14.      The good news is, we can treat each term separately.  The bad news  . . . well, there is no bad news . . . So that’s just more good news.

15.      9er-3ish. (Inadvertently counted as a correct answer on a student’s test.)

16.      “How are you today, Mike?” asked Mr. Korpi.  “Negative five,” responded Mike.

17.      I’m Mr. Korpi.  A man who takes his humor very seriously.

18.      “Who is Anon?”  anonymous student

19.      I love to eat lint in the morning with my coffee.  It gives me a warm-fuzzy feeling.

20.      Humor is very important, but it should never be a substitute for substance.  

21.      You can remember the formula by making a word out of it, like “Veruw.” (on how to remember V=rw)

22.      Korpi: “That sure is a big eraser”

1. Pete:  “yah, it’s from Germany.”
2. Korpi: “I guess they make bigger mistakes there.”
3. Joe:  “Yah, like the Holocaust.”

23.      Please do these problems in the privacy of your own home.

24.      The test will be similar will be the review.  I will change all the numbers, except Pi will still be 3.14159. . .

25.      If you want a good costume this Halloween, go as a fraction.  Many people are terrified of them.

26.      Let’s do this problem with fractions.  They’re numbers, too, you know.  We wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings, now, would we?

27.      (While writing on the chalkboard) your problem on your paper should look exactly like this . . . except much smaller.

28.      Korpi:  Today we are studying ‘periodic functions.’ Can someone use ‘periodic’ in a sentence?

4. Student:  Last night I had to memorize the Periodic Table.
5. Korpi:  OK, that just backfired.

29.      Don’t erase. Don’t erase.  You haven’t made a mistake.  You have just discovered a method that successfully will not work.

30.      When NASA sends those guys with space suits into space . . . .  . you know, Astronauts (I break up laughing.)

31.      OK, to illustrate the relationship between linear and angular velocity, let’s say we were taping ants to a spinning record.  Which ants do you think will puke first?  The ones at the center?  The ones on the edge?  What do you think ant puke looks like?

32.      Growing up in the Valley, I was surprised to learn when we moved away that my name was not Pinche volio.

33.      My mother told me to respond to ‘pinche volio’ with ‘louse boop’ a Finnish expression for silly boy.  Pinche Madre I exclaimed.

34.      Why would we even want to talk about the derivative where the graph didn’t exist?  What would be the point?

35.      . . . and so we have derived the derivative, quite appropriately.  Next semester we shall integrate it with the integral.

36.      Please don’t sleep in my class.  It dampens my style.

37.      What would I call a genuine effort?  If you turn your paper in, and it is very worn, as if you did a lot of erasing, coffee stains, lots of wrinkles, perhaps dried sweat and tear stains all over, and a few drops of dried blood from possible paper cuts. (defining effort for completion grade on homework)

38.      The first step to evaluating Trig functions on the calculator is to turn the calculator on.

39.      The main difference between the TI-83 and the TI-83 +, is that the 83+ has more RAM, so it plays game much faster.

40.      If I had a nickel for every time I’ve made that same stupid mistake, I’d have five cents.  

41.      There’s a first time for everything.  Believe it or not, this is the first time I’ve made a mistake on this problem today, in this class.  You all are witnessing a historical event.  Come back next time for another.

42.      No, I’m sorry, the answer is 3, not 2.  It would only be 2 for very large values of 2.

43.      So I was driving down the road and I glanced at my derivativeometer . . .

44.      There once was a logarithmic function

6. Who crossed another at some junction
7. But they ne’er introduced
8. So we now must deduce
9. That they both are filled with compunction.

45.      There was a Precalculus student

10. Who knew how to study, but wouldn’t
11. So by logs he got burned
12. And a lesson he learned:
13. “To study for tests is quite prudent.”

46.      (When asked if his newborn son was mathematically gifted). My son is my prodigious progeny.  He can already count on all eleven fingers.

47.      What we are going to do today is develop methods for Scurve Ketching . . . which is much more difficult than curve sketching.  Have you ever tried to Catch a Scurve?

48.      And he you are, in Precalculus, having already completed yearlong courses in Algebra I and Algebra II, and you finally get see the Fundamental Theorem of Algebra.

49.      When would you ever need to find the volume of an irregular curved surface?  What if you were eating dinner at Church’s chicken and needed to calculate the volume of the dinner roll?

50.      This method of integration is appropriately called u-substitution, because without you, it won’t work.

51.      Remember, just because a function is peculiar, doesn’t mean it’s odd.

52.      I think Hyperbolas are misnamed.  Each of the branches looks like a bowl.  Since there are two branches, I would have called them Pair-o’-bowlas, But Parabola was already taken.

53.      The method is called logarithmic differentiation.  Once you master it, you can refer to it affectionately simply as Log Diff.

54.      The method of Rationalization Conjugation is Jesse Jackson’s preferred method for evaluating limits.

55.      RAT CON: for evaluation limits in a rational expression where either the numerator or the denominator has two terms, at least one of which is a radical.  It can also be used to kill roaches.

56.      The function ‘e to the x’ is quite a peculiar function.  It is its own derivative.  It is the only function that reproduces asexually.

57.      We call the family of basic functions from which we can obtain others through transformations, Mother Functions.  Not all functions are Mother Functions, though some can be a booger.

58.      The derivative of acceleration is the jerk.  I don’t know what comes after that, perhaps A-hole.

59.      When finding angles in radians, don’t forget the Pi!! It is an important part of a mathematical diet.

60.      OK, let’s say that you get pulled over in your car, and the police officer is well versed in the Mean Value theorem for derivatives, call him, “Calculus Cop.”  

61.      Any student who wishes to solve the Riemann Hypothesis will receive a $1million prize from the Clay Institute and 5 bonus points on a test from me.

62.      A vertical line can’t have any slope.  You must be able to ski down a slope.  Going down a vertical line is not called skiing, it’s called free falling.

63.      If Santa was up on his rules of exponents, ‘HO HO HO’ would become ‘HO CUBED.’

64.      Does the graph of tangent repeat itself? Does the graph of tangent repeat itself?  Like I just did?

65.      Korpi:  Asymptotes are like gravity.  The graphs are ‘pulled’ toward them.

14. Student:  Then why do those values go up?

66.      Don’t ever leave a problem blank.  Put your birthday or favorite number down, something anything.  You will still probably be wrong, but there is that one in a zillion shot that you might be correct.

67.      I wouldn’t doubt it if they came on the intercom and just said, “Teachers and students, please pardon this interruption.”

68.      Don’t mistake my sense of the ridiculous for ridiculous sense.

69.      That which is common knowledge is not necessarily common practice.

70.      We must act decisively in the absence of certainty.

71.      I am less than or equal to 40 years old.

72.      What I meant to emphasize when turning in your test corrections was to make sure your problems are CORRECT!

73.      Yes, you may use your calculators so long as they stay turned off.  They do make a good straightedge.

74.      We will be having a pop-quiz next time in class.

75.      Now that we have proven this theorem, feel free to use it whenever and wherever you want.

76.      So the answer is 5x . . . “you forgot the square,” quickly chimed a student . . . squared.  You didn’t let me finish.

77.      The longest I’ve ever ran was five miles, but I once drove straight through to Minnesota.

78.      How many of you have ever seen or not seen a record player?

79.      Some of you use your calculator as a crutch, others as a stretcher.

80.      You read a graph like you read a book: from paragraph to paragraph, front to back, and most importantly, from left to right.

81.      Let’s verify this Identity with a number, any number, say 5.621752189617613694768147654664 . . .

82.      The chapter celebration of mathematical knowledge will be next Tuesday.  I’ll bring the paper products, you bring the rest.

83.      Use exponential notation (written next to a US History prompt left over from the previous class: Why did relations between the US Government and American Indians deteriorated?)

84.      Introducing the second most famous irrational number in all of mathematics behind Pi, ladies and gentlemen . . . . e!

85.      This assignment is due Wednesday, a week from today.  Be sure to start it by the weekend, or at least by next Wednesday morning.

86.      Growing up, I was kind of fickle.  My favorite number was x.

87.      OK, let’s say there’s a drag race, and when I say drag race, I don’t mean two guys wearing tutus and running shoes.

88.      The limit is a notion of motion, the idea of forever getting closer and closer and closer to a value without ever really getting there.  It is a rather pointless journey, or can be, that’s not the point.

89.      The idea of the limit can be demonstrated by the ‘half the distance to the goal’ penalty in football.  The penalty can theoretically happen over and over and over again past football season.  Not only will the referees get frustrated, the coach will get furious, and the guy jumping offside will eventually get yanked, the ball will NEVER end up in the end zone.

90.      Let’s say I spent every hour of every day from now until I was very very old, say 150, plugging in different number into this equation and getting true statements.  In addition to getting very sleepy and hungry, I would be no closer to proving the statement was an Identity.  I could not make it so as my dying wish.  All I have done is wasted a lifetime of senseless verification.

91.      It’s not like Fermat gasped the words with his final breath, “I believe that for integer values of n larger that two, the sum of two non-zero integers raised to the nth power cannot be expressed as a single non-zero integer raised to the same power.” (On Fermat’s last theorem)

92.      The main thing to remember when taking this test is to read the directions carefully, don’t rely to heavily on your calculator, show all your work, round to 3 decimals, simplify radicals and fractions when appropriate, leave no negative exponents, and, oh yah, get the right answers.

93.      Raise your hand if you’re not here.

94.      There is an isomorphism between the words synonym and isomorphism, but they are not synonymous.

95.      Is the inverse also a function?  Does it pass the vertical dry-erase marker test?

96.      That was too much fun.  We need to do that less often.

97.      A graphing calculator is a very powerful, relatively inexpensive, hand-held computing device used primarily in upper-level math classes to play games on.

98.      A function can be thought of as a ‘machine’ that takes an input, chosen independently from anything within your domain, and transforms it into something new with a range of possibilities.  The output, of course, depends upon what you put in.  For example, if we the function a wood chipper, a log is the independent variable.  Put any log in.  The wood chips are the output or dependent variable.  If I had put something different in, say my buddy, I would obtain something entirely different.  The outputs are entirely unique for each independent choice of input.  You wouldn’t expect to put your buddy in and get wood chips out, would you?  Now, and inverse function ‘undoes’ the work of the function.  In this case, the inverse function, or machine, would allow you to put the wood chips in and get the log back out, which would be very difficult, but easier than trying to get my buddy back.

99.      I didn’t do that on purpose . . . or did I.  It was subconsciously intentional.

100.   It’s kind of oxymoronic that radical notation is actually more conservative that rational exponential notation.

101.   If you rewrite the problem first, you only have two embedded functions, rather than three, which will give you a shorter chain, but it’s not like we’re trying to lock up our bicycle to a pole, so we really don’t need a long chain. (on use of the chain rule)

102.   Leibniz notation for the chain rule is very formal, requiring u-substitution.  Composite function notation is less formal, more of a snappy casual notation.

103.   So the graph of tangent is monotonic increasing.  Is it also one to one?  NO.  The y-values are not just two-timing an x value.  They are infinitely-timing them.  I mean, we can begin to call her certain names.

104.   Since I went to A&M for two years, I feel like I’ve earned the right to tell Aggie jokes, although I don’t get half of them.

105.   No, that’s no a cigarette in his mouth.  Those are his lips.  He’s saying, “OOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”  The guy operating the ride is the one smoking a cigarette.

106.   Is it going to rain today?  I don’t know.  That all depends on the weather.

107.   Sin and Cosine are considered to model Harmonic motion.  Think about the two graphs on the same axis, offset from each other by Pi halves.  They look like two playful dolphins harmoniously frolicking in the peaceful sea. . . . or they don’t.

108.   So the graph of tangent x reveals that it is monotonic increasing, but is it one-to-one?  Heck no.  Not only is each y-value two-timing with x-values, but three-timing, four-timing, infinity-timing.  She’s seeing so many different x-values, she has developed quite a reputation.

109.   I don’t know where my Hall pass is.  Here, take this rubber band.  If anyone asks, say it belongs to Mr. Korpi.

110.   Now we have to shift the graph of cosine to the right by 1.333 seconds.  If we had happened up the system 1.333 seconds earlier, the phase shift would have been zero, and the equation would have been easier to find.  The moral of the story:  DON’T BE TARDY.

111.   It’s my mousetrap.  (when a student asked what an old computer mouse tied into a loop laying on the floor was.)

112.   So the problem says, “ A person of weight W is standing on an oak board on the incline.”  Does any body in here weigh W?

113.   To a topologist, a coffee mug, a doughnut, and a trombone are the same thing.

114.   I’m here every morning at 6:15 if you need to come in for help.  I love the smell of mathematics in the morning.

115.   Now for this problem, the information is hidden within the words.  We have to make our own juice here, and ‘squeeze’ the information out.

116.   So how are we going to tell our calculator to do that?  Do we speak into it like a cell-phone?

117.   To find the x-intercept on the calculator, you find the left bound . . . there . . . . then you find the right bound . . . there above the axis. . . then you calculator asks you for a guess, so you say, “UMMMM, THREE.”  Then you hit enter.

118.   You need to be wise in the use of your calculator.  Don’t use it as a hammer.  It will work, but is greatly missing the true powerful potential and purpose of its original design.

119.   The fist thing you want to do when graphing cosine is to make sure your calculator is on.  Then, double check to make sure it is in the proper mode. . . .There’s once, There’s twice.  Once was probably enough.

120.   Do it in your head!  What if you were stranded on an island with only your textbook, without a calculator and pencil.

121.   You never can have too many Calculus textbooks.

122.   In college, you have to buy your own textbooks.  A Calculus text may cost $120 new.  When you are done with it, you try to sell it back to the bookstore, where they offer you $30 if you beg.  Now every few years, the author of the text will come out with a new “edition” where the only real difference is that the second page is off-white, instead of antique-white, in which case the bookstore will not buy it back so now you’re stuck with it.  But that’s OK.  You just save these books and put them on your bookcase at home later on when you are out of college.  They make great decorations and give a look of erudition to any parlor.

123.   I think Dried-up marker is a more appropriate term. (rather than Dry-Erase)

124.   You there!  No mental loitering.

125.   We can classify 1^st degree polynomials as straight curves.  These are very simple to graph, very hard to throw, and even harder to hit.

126.   A frown is nothing more than a parabola turned upside-down.

127.   The Ambiguous case is for Side Side Angle.  Since it requires the most work, requiring you to set up a quadratic formula, it has become known as the ‘pain in the Angle Side Side’ case.

128.   The first thing you do when you approach a problem like this is to introduce yourself.  Get comfortable with the task at hand.  Say, “Hello problem.”  It’s a good way to break the ice.

129.   Yes, you may go to the bathroom.  Just don’t do it here.

130.   P=e^(rt).  The shampoo equation.  Used by more bankers than the other lesser equations.

131.   We count in base 10 because our number system evolved from counting on our fingers.  This is the same reason why chickens count in base four.

132.   I really like the new windows in my classroom.  I have a great view of the neighboring apartments.  Last year I never had the opportunity to watch so many people take their dogs for a poop.

133.   And we give this ratio a very specific name.  Not a name like Fred, George, or Biff, but rather a choice four-letter word starting with ‘S.’  We call it Sine.

134.   Some day you’re the Radical, some day you’re the Radicand.

135.   Some days, especially when it’s overcastted, I just like to wear a little Vitamin C. (defending his bright yellow shirt to students.

136.   Was that ironic, oxymoronic, or just moronic?

137.   It is easier to adverbialize an adjective than it is the adjectivize an adverb.

138.   How did you do on your Pee-sat-nem-squat? (PSAT/NMSQT)

139.   Just because you haven’t met anyone like me before doesn’t mean that I don’t exist.

140.   As scary as reading your Halloween stories in the dark may be, any terror is negated by how silly the idea of reading them with a flashlight is.  

141.   Now for number diez y dos, also known as doce.

142.   The test will be similar to the review . . . Not congruent.

143.   Better late than never or early or on time.

144.   I’m not really that odd.  My eccentricity is closer to zero than one.

145.   When I was in school, we used to separate all multiple items in a list with commas.  For instance, the sentence, “Tom, Dick, and Harry went to the store,” had commas everywhere.  Now aday, you don’t need a comma between Dick and Harry.  That just doesn’t look right to me.  Without the comma, it just looks like Dick and Harry are a single unit.-----pause, then biggest laughter of the year.

146.   I don’t know when you’ll ever use this stuff, but if you never learn it, the answer is never.

147.   Sure, Einstein failed high school math, but it wasn’t because he failed to understand math.

148.   An integral part of Calculus is differentiating between the derivative and the integral.

149.   Negative numbers are so depressing.  Be positive, I always say.

150.   The difference between implicit and explicit is this.  If I said, “Gee, you know, I kind of wish that the grades were better on the test.  I really think y’all could have done better and I expect more from you.  It really want the grades better . . . “  , that would be implicit.  But if I said, “STUDY, DAMMIT.” That would be explicit.

151.   If I were you, I’d want to be me.

152.   Just because you think math sucks, doesn’t mean I don’t expect you to like it.

153.   You may take out some scratch paper for the test, if you get the itch.

154.   Disregard what the other 3 classes have said about the test being hard.  Don’t believe the hype.  You cannot judge what you have not experienced first hand.  After you have taken it, then tell me how hard it was.

155.   Is the test easy?  Of course it’s easy, if you know it.

156.   Unless you just like taking a loaded revolver, pointing it at your shoe, and pulling the trigger, DO YOUR REVIEW!!

157.   That used to be one of the textbooks at this school a loooooooong time ago.  I still use it everyday.  It supports my wobbly desk leg.

158.   “What is that you’re using to tie your door open with.”  “It’s an old computer mouse for an old Mac.  I’m a firm believer in recycling technology.”

159.   “May I use your computer, Mr. Korpi?”  “Only if you use it in the proper manner for which it was designed.”

160.   Who knows the answer? (long silence)  Do you can’t all talk at once or I won’t be able to make out what anyone is saying.

161.   So what’s the derivative of secant?  Good, secant tangent, whoever didn’t say that.

162.   Yes, I broke my ankle running into my garage in the rain trying to keep your assignments dry.  Once I hit the slick concrete, I slipped, felt a loud pop, and the papers went flying . . . into the garage . . . mission accomplished.

163.   Sir, tell us about “Little Korpi.”  “OK, he’s my son, and not so big.”

164.   Wow, I haven’t done that since the last time.

165.   “Can we have a free day today?”  “Funny you should ask.  When I got up this morning, I thought to myself, ‘Today I think I’ll collect 5 dollars from every student.’”

166.   “That’s a great poster.  What does the random variation in the two colors represent.  Does it contribute to the overall theme?”  “No, I just got tired of coloring it.”

167.   And we call this Pythagorean Identity the Papa PID.  From him, we can develop his asexual offspring.

168.   OK, turn in your Homework, page 233, your review, and your Tarzan problem.  We’ll be taking a test in 2 minutes.  Good Morning, by the way.  Did y’all have a good Weekend?

169.   If you don’t understand it, you need to learn it better.

170.   Have you ever noticed that the things you have accomplished and been most proud of are the things that you really strived at, almost struggled, yet overcome?  It is the intense labor, the making of mistakes, and the harnessing of the energy of frustration that make your success oh so sweet.  You are going to have plenty of opportunities to develop a love of math this year.

171.   I’ve seen better hair on a mop.

172.   The fact that we agree that we are mutually exclusive gives us some common ground on which we actually intersect.

173.   “You listen to the some of the strangest things.”  “You should hear what I read.”

174.   “Do we have to do our homework tonight?”  “Of course not,  turn in it a day later.  I’ll only take of 30 points for being late.”

175.   So the limit as x approaches two is infinity from both sides of two.  What’s up with that?

176.   Put those chips away.  You’re taking a test.  I don’t like students who Cheetos on tests.

177.   What if we still don’t finish the test Monday morning?  You think of everything, don’t you.

178.   Unless I count off twice for the same mistake, I won’t double Whammy you on the test.

179.   I just heard that the square root of two is holding many innocent numbers hostage.  Police are describing him as an irrational radical who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.  They are bringing in the expert negotiator square root of  4 to try and talk him out.  He is described a kindred soul to the kidnaper, a radical himself, but a cool rational man.  If all goes well, the numbers will be released.

180.   Careful not to slip and fall on your asymptote.

181.   Last year for Halloween, I dressed up as a Roman orator who spoke on the subjects of math.  My name was Relative Maximus.

182.   This problem is not so bad, except for its multiple parts.  Part I) and II) are pretty easy compared to part Aiyy yiyy, yiyy.

183.   We go Calculus caroling every year, and we are Bad, so Bad, and we get worse every year.  We are so popular that every teacher wants us to come by for a song or two.

184.   Look, class.  I finally got a trash can today, and not just one but two!  Please resume your wasteful habits.

185.   Nothing shapes a submissive personality like hundreds of pushups at 3 in the morning.

186.   I hope you have a restful weekend full of vigorous activity.

187.   Please take out a piece of sheet.

188.   So for the quotient rule, we think of Hi over Ho.  The Ho is on the bottom.

189.   TTOTLIFTST “tootle-fist” is something very very important that they teach you in teacher school.  I believe a professor earned his Ph.D. developing this.  It is an acronym for “The object of the lesson is for the student to :”  It is really one of the greatest time-saving devices of all time.

190.   Sure you can work in pairs on the test.  You can share answers and the final grade.

191.   Instead of paying me $100 for an 100 on the test,  I’ll compromise with you: $50 for a 50.

192.   Tonight’s assignment will be very short, but much wider than usual.

193.   You should be able to fit all your answers and work on the test, if you write very, very small.

194.   “phfffffffftht!”  That’s the sound of a vertical asymptote.

195.   I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is that you are going to be able to do test corrections!  The bad news is that we have to do test corrections to begin with.

196.   When doing these triangle problems, I want you to draw a picture first. Like this.  Here’s a tree, the sun, and of course Mr. Right triangle ABC.

197.   Longitude lines or Meridians are called Great Circles, not only because the all have the same circumference and pass through the poles, but also because they are just FABULOUS.

198.   So if I was standing at the center of the earth, I would be very, very hot, and the angle of my eyesight back to the surface would be the angle of elevation.

199.   ME: So if I was running for public office and wanted to pull a publicity stunt by walking around the 29.7^th North Parallel, starting and stopping in my living room, I would have to walk almost 21 thousand miles. At a pace of 5 miles per hour, this would take me 4191 hours or 174.6 non-stop days.  Resting in between legs, it might take me a full year to travel the 20958 miles.  STUDENT:  Wouldn’t the election be over by then?  ME:  Yes, which is why you need to pick your publicity stunts very carefully.

200.   OK, let’s say that the 29.7^th N parallel runs right through my living room.  STUDENT:  Why can’t it run through my living room?  Why does it have to be yours?  ME:  It might be yours, too if you live due East or West of me.

201.   I went to Wurstfest the other day and ordered Lemonade on a stick.  I had to drink it fast.

202.   The other day, I slipped and fell up three flights of stairs.

203.   I’m just sitting here listening to Iron Maiden and trying to be creative at the same time.

204.   Label your intentions

205.   In the equation f(x)=100, the f(x) acts as an introduction prepositional phrase.

206.   For any given angle in a triangle, two of them can be considered Adjacent sides, but we only consider the Non-Hypotenusal Adjacent side as being called Adjacent. 

207.   Q:  Mr. Korpi where do you get all your quotes from?  A:  From books, other books, and non-books, such as conversations.

208.   Most people who mispronounce “New BraunSfels are out-of-towners or locals at Wurstfest, who are ‘soaking up’ the local culture.

209.   Overheard in class:  “I learn more English in this [Mr. Korpi’s math class] than I do in my English class.

210.   Is this regular hexagon (drawn in black) what a stop sign is?  Of course not, stop signs are red.

211.   I think it would be neat if the same groups that “adopt a highway” and pick up trash, carried with them magnet clothes to dress up the Mom and Daughter on the school crossing signs.

212.   Related rates are called such, not be cause they are brothers, or sister or anything, but rather because they are more like 2^nd cousins, twice removed.

213.   I don’t like to run.  With every step I take I say, “Gosh-this-really-sucks-I-wish-I-was-driving.”

214.   I’m working on my first film.  It’s taken me a while.  They are probably going to charge me a late fee at Blockbuster.

215.   I don’t want to be a stand up comedian.  They make too much money.

216.   Mr. Korpi, can we please not learn anything new today?  Well that’s up to you.  Do you think you can convince your classmates not to pay attention to the lesson which I will be giving today?

217.   If we travel around the first parallel, could we claim that we have traveled around the world?  If so, this would be true for any latitude.  I choose the 90^th, although I have to travel around the world just to get there and back.

218.   What a beautiful day today.  I’d like to have class outside today.  All in favor, meet me outside after class.

219.   This is about the easiest section we will do all year.  As a result, we will spend an extra day doing it.

220.   We can’t afford to slow down, not for anything.  We have a set amount of curriculum to cover. Q: What if the school blows up?  A:  That may slow us down a bit.

221.   Now for the next problem, we will be blowing up balloons.  That’s inflating them, not filling them with lit dynamite.

222.   This problem is not right.  I don't even think it is wrong.

223.   Who stole my “Math Counts” Frisbee?  I will not tolerate such shenanigans.

224.   I’m sorry, I don’t have any cash on me.  I’ve been meaning to buy some more.

225.   How silly is to punish an act of truancy with suspension or expulsion.  This would be tantamount to paying criminals for robbing banks.

226.   It is a sad day in the world of education, when we use the absence of learning opportunities as a punishment for unrelated misbehavior.  This reinforces the wrong concept of learning.

227.   We are soon fixing to get ready to make plans to begin.

228.   I always like to carry a quarter in my pocket just in case anyone ever comes up to me and says, “hey, you ain’t worth a dime.”

229.   Today is national “pronounce the silent letter in words” day.  In H-onor of the event, we will be discussing Isos-k-eles triangles, inspecting them so closely increasing our K-noledge of them so much, we are practically dissecting them with a K-nife.

230.   The calculus is the easy part.  It’s the algebra that will kick your butt.

231.   All right, Do it To it.

232.   Ready, Set, Go, Stop.  Who’s done?

233.   Don’t forget units.  Millions of points throughout history of math tests have been lost because units have been overlooked.  Don’t be a statistical footnote in history. 

234.   Look, it says 23 percent of Americans don’t believe a thing that Al Gore says.  It also says that Disney’s patent of Mickey Mouse will expire in 2003.  Look for Al Gore’s percentage to increase as he claims that he invented Mickey Mouse.

235.   I got out of homebuilding into teaching because I figured it would be easier to manage students than subcontractors.   I found out that this is not necessarily true, but they do show up more regularly.

236.   Have no fear about having your ears shot out as I turn on the television, for I have been to teacher school, where they teach you to turn the volume down before doing so.

237.   If you’re going to get up in front of someone to teach, especially a very typically boring subject, you’ve got an obligation to at least make it entertaining, if not educational.  The same goes for educational consultants at teacher in-services.

238.   Leave them laughing.  That’s what I always say.  Please laugh now as I turn and go.

239.   I have lateral tibular fibulitis.  I’ll take your word for it.

240.   See you next time, or before then.  

241.   See you next time, have fun ‘till then.

242.   Mr. Korpi, would you wear my Football jersey tomorrow?  I’d be happy to.  That means I can wear one of my ugly shirts.  I have a lot of ugly shirts that don’t get worn enough.

243.   Does it matter if we find side a or side c first?  No, It really comes down to our preference: do we prefer Apple Pie or Cherry Pie?  Acid or Coc. . .Never mind.

244.   Now little g is not only the length of the side opposite angle G, the acceleration due to gravity, but also a rapper out of Compton.

245.   Now just because I’m drawing planet Earth with a red marker doesn’t make it Mars.

246.   The answer is 47. 666.  OOOh.  That creeps me.  Let’s make it 47.667, the Neighbor of the Beast.

247.   So the answer is  .1411.  That’s some good information

248.   This road we’re going down is not the scenic route, in fact it’s not even a road.  We are clearing our own path.  Watch out for tempting serpents.

249.   We can verify this triangle is correctly solved by using the triangle inequality, Pythagorean theorem, and using Trig functions, but I think we can see that it’s correct, so let’s not do that, and say we did.

250.   Now, I can go to San Antonio by traveling 30 miles to the south or by traveling 21,835 to the North.

251.   These two angles are complementary, watch.  “Hey man, you look acute.”  “Thank you, you don’t look so obtuse yourself.”

252.   Let the calculator store the number in its full decimal glory.

253.   Have a good strong end.  See you on Monday.

254.   You wouldn’t think that I would be so thirsty today after I drank so much last night.

255.   We’re having a special today: All the problems you can present on the board for the same reward of only one half point on a test.

256.   Y’all have worked really hard this week.  I’m proud of you.  Why don’t y’all just take the next two days (SAT and SUN) off from school.  Y’all deserve it.

257.   I just can think as lucidly in front of a dry erase board.  The refractive index is too high.

258.   This problem only takes one line, if you start sufficiently far to the left.

259.   “So the Ferris wheel rider’s position as he approaches the top, Hey I can see my house from here, is 205 ft.

260.   That last one was a joke grenade.  It took a while for you to get the punchline, actually I think that last one was a dud.

261.   You’ll have to excuse me, for I have very few unspoken thoughts, and my lips cannot usually keep up.

262.   I know y’all are just really excited, as I am, about being assembled here tonight on our own time to discuss the ever exciting world of mathematics, but I need you to shutup.

263.   Did you see me at the fair?  I was the one wearing my hat.

264.   Q:  Mr. Korpi, why did you take down your students’ Halloween posters?  A:  Well, first of all, because Halloween is over.  Secondly, because they were Halloween posters and Halloween has now past.  Do you understand?  The Halloween ‘spirit’ is usually not something that lingers.

265.   The test will look a little different than the review. I think for the review, I used Times New Roman 12-point font.  The test will have Times New Roman 14-point font. The problems will be similar though.

266.   In the spirit of upcoming Labor Day, today we will work our butts off.

267.   If I have to put the toilet seat down, she should have to put it up.  It’s a two-way seat, you know.

268.   So after all that work, just figuring out the percentage of the swimming pool is filled, we have barely gotten our feet wet.  We have much more work to do. 

269.   Label the rate you are trying to find “huh?” and denote it with a question mark.  This is your target.  Without listing this, you have no target, which means you’re sure to hit it.

270.   Another good reason to label your target rate as “huh?” is because if the label does not appear in your final equation, you can say, “Hmm, there’s no ‘Huh’.”

271.   Y’all are awfully quiet today.  Are y’all this quiet in all your other first period classes, too?

272.   In relation to the angle, we want to know the opposite side, and we are given the hypotenuse, sooooooooooooooooooooo, we must use Sine (SOH CAH TOA)

273.   The bathrooms down the hall are unmarked.  The way I remember which door to go in is that Men are always right. This may be untrue, but it takes me to the urinal.

274.   I’m sorry, I just can’t afford to be a teacher.

275.   “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”  That means “BE QUIET,” in civilized societies.  Thank you.

276.   Please solve all of your problems in advance.  Thank you.

277.   So when you see that you are given two angles and a side of a triangle, you say, “OOOO, OOOOO, OOOOOO, Law of Sines!”

278.   If we call this point C, and the other point Shining C, then we are looking for the distance from C to Shining C.

279.   If you don’t pay your math dues by the next meeting, don’t consider yourself a member of the math club.  We have to distinguish ourselves somehow, if not by our intellectual acumen, then by our fiscal dependability.

280.   I am my most creative when I am deep in pool of melancholy and self-superciliousness.

281.   Unicorn pride has died.

282.   They are hoping that the walls are so shiny, bright, and new, that no one will bother looking up or down.

283.   So, what do you remember the sine of ninety to be from your past trigonometrical experiences?

284.   Does anybody in here not know there grade and want to see it, or you know it but it was so stellar that you want to see it again?

285.   I tried to get a sub for you.  I selected the only sub on the list that knew math.  Then he called me at home and said, “I’m the only math person on the list, but I can only do Geometry or below.”  There’s a career opportunity for anyone interested.

286.   Thank you for that pointless interruption.   Please don’t do that more often.

287.   “Can we have free day today?  Can we have a free day today?”  “Sure you can, I’ll whoop your butt for free today.  I usually charge 5$ for it.  AND on top of that I’ll give you two paper clips, at no charge to you.”

15. 288.        (overheard) “Mr. Korpi is sooo random!”   (my response)  “You just haven’t figured out my pattern!”

288.   When homework becomes classwork, classwork will become homework.

289.   The greatest triumviri of all time was indubitably Curly, Moe, and Larry.

290.   –You cannot throw your old computers away.  Please store them until we have our end of the year technology garage sale.  –OK, I will be storing them in that dumpster over there.

291.   When they did the $3million overhaul of the school, technology was first.  They got there own large lab rooms, full of brand new computers, their own data projectors, new furniture, and get this: floor plugs.  They must have thought in advance on that one.  The new science wing got theirs, too: new lab equipment and the latest in technology: computer lab testing probes, CPUs, and elaborate software.  Even the new home economics rooms got their requisite stoves, ovens, vent hoods, and even a dining area.  Athletics got a new competition gym, AND a new practice gym!  What about the math department?  We got stuck into a leftover space, upstairs, away from everybody, where they wouldn’t have to deal with us.  Our rooms are brand new, but small, lack trashcans, pencil sharpeners, bookshelves, storage cabinets, and no floor plugs for our overhead calculators.  We did get windows overlooking an apartment complex and very small dry erase boards.  It’s like they asked us, “What goes into the ideal math classroom, because we want to make sure what not to put in it.”  ‘Tis ‘nuff to drive a man mad!

292.   You have to be very careful when you are solving problems with sine, cosine, and tangent.  Simplifying trigonometric expressions can be pretty triggy.

293.   (After drawing light coming from the lens of the camera)Q:  Doesn’t the light usually come from the flash?  A:  You haven’t seen my camera.

294.   Oh, I forgot to multiply by the velocity of the plane, -600 miles per hour: one very small detail.

295.   I wasn’t in the senior class picture, because I wasn’t asked.  Besides, most teachers want to be in it as a level of status: their picture is forever captured in the history of New Braunfels High School.  I try to achieve my immortality through my work inside the classroom, not smiling for a camera.  But, mainly, I wasn’t asked.  Anyway, I think they know that I would be the type of teacher who would run around the back to try and get into the picture twice.

296.   Q: Can I be in the math club if I’m not a member?  A: No, it’s really a club for members only.

297.   --Your name is Andrew, right?  --NO, it’s Tina.  –Sorry.

298.   Live well, eat right, have fun: that’s what I always never say.

299.   (On being asked to open a fixed window in class)  I can open it, but closing it again will be a challenge.

300.   Every discipline you enter into has its own challenges.  Going into medicine is not necessarily more difficult than going into mathematics.  There were several time is wished that I was just memorizing all the nerves in the human body, rather than prove a particular theorem.

301.   The whole idea of you writing journals, yah, that was a bad idea.  It looks good on paper, but because of the paperwork generated, yah, bad idea.

302.   We found out we were having a girl: the first girl in four grandchildren.  I told my wife that she was going to have really long arms being tugged on between the sets of grandparents.

303.   We found out it is a girl, so starting today, I’m saving for the wedding.

304.   Having a girl isn’t so bad at all.  She’ll just have to get used to wearing her older brother’s hand-me-downs.

305.   Having a girl is actually ideal.  I’m looking forward to choosing a son-in-law someday.

306.   I think we decided on the first name of Jenna.  It’s the middle name we’re still contemplating.  We want it to be in honor of a family member:  Jenna Wayne, Jenna Lynn, Jenna Rose, Jenna Elaine, Jenna Leslie, Jenna Valeska, Jenna Dora, or Jenna Oma.  We like the last one; her initials would be J.O.K.   We are expecting her to be a great athlete.

307.   One grows fat when one’s intake exceeds one’s expenditure.  One grows financially thin when one's expenditures exceed ones intake.  One cannot expect to be healthfully fit by allowing the two to balance each other: over consuming and over spending.  All this achieves is being fat broke.

308.   Speaking of storks, I found out yesterday that my wife and I are having a little . . . girl.  ---AAAAAwwwwwwwwwww!  You can name her after me, Mr. Korpi.  Alex.  Or better yet, Yudelevich!  --No, if we call her Yudelevich (Yoo-duh-lay-vich), people would just say, “Hey, Yu.”

309.   When we are looking for the absolute extrema on a closed interval, we can think of it as playing the “BIGGEST AND SMALLEST Y-VALUE” contest, where the contestants are going to be the two endpoints, and any critical values in the interval.

310.   Keep it straight in you head and always bear in mind that Headings and Bearings are the same thing, unless you’re referring to compositions and axles.

311.   Be quiet and listen.  I’m standing right next to him, and I can barely hear him!

312.   And now I will use a very underused conjunction to tie the two together:  &--the Ampersand.

313.   37.652 is my favorite value of x.

314.   Student: “Mr. Korpi, I didn’t do my take home test.”  Korpi:  “That’s pretty dumb.  You’d better have a good excuse!”  Student:  “I’m getting married tomorrow, and I have just been a nervous wreck getting ready for it.”  Korpi:  “Fine, but you better bring it to me as soon as you get back from your honeymoon!”

315.   Q:  “Do you know why when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, the V is longer on one side than the other?”  “Does it have anything to do with the sheer winds or anything?”  “No, it’s because there are more geese on one side.”

316.   And so we put the x all by itself on this side of the equation, although he is not alone, since he’s squared, there are really two of them, so he’s really there, with himself, keeping himself company. (on setting up the law of cosines)

317.   So it doesn’t really matter which angle A, B, or C we find first.  Let’s just do it in alphabetical order . . . starting with C.

318.   Student:  “Mr. Korpi, there’s an error on the assignment sheet.  The assignment due today had 12 problems.  You wrote 11 down.”  Korpi: “Thank you, you are so correct.  Give yourself zero points for that one.”

319.   So let’s say I’m on the beach sunbathing, and I get the inkling to measure the distance between two oilrigs out in the seascape.  I pull out my handy-dandy angle-measuring device, which I always keep handy while sunbathing, and take some measurements.  I only need to take two angle readings from two separate points along the beach.  I must also know the distance between these two points, say 2000 seashells long, mostly broken seashells.  Using the Law of Sines and Cosines, I can determine the distance between the two without having to swim way out there with a huge waterproof tape measure, and, most importantly, I can get back to my sunbathing.

320.   I heard that the tanning salons now offer a service where you stand in front of a paint machine and it blasts you with golden paint.  That can’t be good for you, especially when it must be done weekly, and that’s if you don’t bathe.  At least the paint on my house is guaranteed for 20 years.

321.   When experiencing my personality, you cannot fully appreciate or be properly effected by it by brief intense exposure to it.  Much like sunbathing, in order to keep from reacting adversely to it, you need to experience it small daily doses.  Under these circumstances, I provide a healthy glow to other people’s lives.

322.   The only thing mathematical about the math club this year is how membership has multiplied from last year. (from 14 to 64)

323.   Student: “Does Little Korpi play trumpet, too?”  Korpi:  “Heaven’s No!  He’s not even 2 and a half years old.  He’s barely got the piano and guitar down.”

324.   Korpi is listening to “Crazy little thing called love” by Queen.   A student says, “Man, you’re old, Mr. Korpi.”  Korpi quickly replies, “Let me guess.  You prefer Dwight Yoakum’s version.”  Student assumes look of befuddlement and bewilderment.

325.   Did you think these variables here were just to decorate the equation?

326.   Be on the lookout for irrelevant information in the problem such as the sexual preference of the pilot of the plane that isn’t even mentioned.

327.   I feel like I’m looking at the penguin exhibit at Sea World.  (Gliding across the floor, leaning on the roller cart.  Students very quiet and sitting very still, room is very cold.)

328.   If you finish making your Golden Ratio rectangles, measure your faces and see if you and Liz Hurley have something in common.

329.   Student:  “Why is everybody wearing College shirts today?”  Korpi:  “Well, because it’s college day.  But that’s OK, we can tell you’re an Aggie without a maroon shirt.”

330.   I heard next Friday is “wear your pajamas to school” day.  I hope the people who sleep in the nude are sick that day so the rest of us won’t.

331.   If you have physics, you’ve probably done this calculation in class.  If you don’t have physics, you probably haven’t done this in physics class.

332.   One thing I can tell you about the conference I attended was, even though it really sucked and the presenter was boring, I still stayed quite and appeared to be listening as he spoke.  It is the obligation of a student.

333.   So let’s say we’re trying to move this piano.  We tie two ropes to the foot pedal and the two of us pull at different angles and forces.  The resultant force and direction will be the diagonal of the parallelogram, which means we know exactly where the piano is going, it can hit a target, which I guess is pretty important in piano bowling.

334.   You can’t say, “Just because I drew it like a right triangle, it must be so."

335.   We use implicit differentiation when we either cannot solve explicitly for y, it is too difficult to solve for y, or we’re just too plain lazy.

336.   The case of SSA is called the Ambiguous case, or something like that.

337.   Someday I’m going to invent a new and improved fly swatter.

338.   Brady, please wake up!  Every time you lay your head down on your desk, a little piece inside of me dies.

339.   The official name of this course, as far as the state of Texas goes is, “Independent study in mathematics,” although we call it Calculus.  I’m terribly sorry I have been depriving you of your independence to learn it on your own.  If I get fired, it will be for teaching in a class where I’m not supposed to.

340.   And so, if we were to jump off the building and calculate or speed, we would yell as we leapt, “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.”  (the bell to go to lunch chimes in).

341.   You!  You are tardy, and I need to talk to you about all the classes you have missed this six weeks.  Please stay after class.  S:  I can’t, I have to leave early to take a friend to a doctor’s appointment!  K:  So, either you don’t come at all, but when you do, you come late and leave early.  Let me simply state it then: YOU’RE BEHIND!!!

342.   (Sung to the Dire Straits tune ‘Money for Nothing’)  “I want my, I want my, I want my MVT (Mean Value Theorem).

343.   We call this theorem the Mean Value Theorem because it deals with average values and because he is quite a bully.

344.   In response to a playful question at the end of a difficult test involving the rate of change of a deflating balloon, “What color is the balloon?”—Student (Martha Rockwood): The color of the balloon symbolizes my feelings towards this test—ASS BROWN.

345.   Here’s looking at Euclid.

346.   The Calculus Cop’s job is to enforce the law of Cosines.

347.   The other day I looked in the mirror.  I sure look funny with my eyes closed.

348.   Why yes Principal Fitsko, the Math Club IS having a raffle.  Would you like to buy a ticket?  First prize is a dozen dead AAA batteries from our calculators.  Second prize is a handful of dried-up dry erase markers which we generate daily!

349.   Someday I’m going to write an Autobiography, if I can authorize it.

350.   Please remind me to remind you to tell me when I have forgotten to mention something I should have remembered to tell you about.

351.   S:  Mr. Korpi, if I have Cosine of blah, blah, blah, over Cosine of blah, blah, blah, can I cancel them out?  K:  Not unless it’s the same blah, blah, blah.

352.   Whew, all that running wore me out.  We either need to do that more often, or less often, preferably less often.

353.   My favorite website is any old Haunted House: lots of spiders.

354.   OK, it is called the ambiguous case because there are three cases, meaning number of triangles.  Let’s number the cases.  One is zero, two is one, and three is two.  You got that?

355.   So after the plane switches his heading from 180 to 225, he is flying Southwest: the direction, not the airline.

356.   So in the right Right triangle, Sine of A equals h over c.  In the left Left triangle . . . no wait, that doesn’t work.  In the left Right triangle . . .

357.   QUIET!  My mouth is very, very close to my ear.  See?  But, I can’t even hear myself talk.

358.   If you sit in the back of the room, the numbers on the board in the front of the room probably look smaller to you.  So a nine probably looks more like a six.

359.   Here are all the formulas for areas of triangles you need to memorize.  You will have to know all of them for the test, however, you will only have to use one of them.  So, you really don’t have to memorize all of them, just one.  You figure out which one.

360.   S:  Mr. Korpi, I made my poster bigger than a quarter size.  I couldn’t fit all the information on just a quarter size.  Is that OK?  K:  Sure it is.  You used half a poster board, but that’s nothing more than a quarter size of one that was originally twice as big.  I never specified the original size of poster board of which a quarter should be taken.  Most people assume standard size, which is the only kind.

361.   Some people see the number 2304 and think, “Hmm, that’s two thousand three hundred and four.”  I see it and say, “Hello forty-eight squared!”

362.   That was a fabulous tune (Baby Elephant Walk) from the late, great Henry Mancini.  Now back to the Law of Cosines.

363.   I think I’m rather quotable, but don’t quote me on that.

364.   I like how the tiles are made to look like real terrazzo, but each 12 by 12 tile is laid with the terrazzo grain perpendicular to the next, thus completing the obvious fact that it is fake.

365.   As little as your study patients see Doctor Hampel, they probably wonder if he even really exists.  I think we should open our own practice with under an assumed practitioner’s name, something catchy that will bring the patients in, but they’d never see him.  Something like Dr. Bon Jovi.

366.   We’re going to find area here.  Does anyone have an exotic unit of measure we can use?  The perch?  OK.  Then the final unit will be purchases? Squared?  I guess if you’re a fisherman, the unit of perch is directly related to the number of witnesses.

367.   Have y’all ever been to Sam’s?  It’s dangerous.  You go in there not needing anything, then three hundred dollars later you get out of there going, “Dang!  That sure is a lot of mayonnaise.”

368.   There’s a joke about a turkey in there somewhere that I’m not even gonna touch, not that it would be funny or anything.

369.   Come on, listen to me now.  I’m cereal.

370.   So here’s our equation.  With a little algebraic finagling, we can get it in the form we want.

371.   Let’s say a pair of calculus cops are set up together to catch speeders, one at point A, the other 5 miles down the road at point B.  You know, like Roscoe P. Coltrain and Cletus trying to catch them Duke Boys, ‘Kyuuu-Kyuuu.’

372.   The commutative and associative properties of multiplication allow you to play a kind of shell game with the factors.

373.   You have two options for this class period: you can either work on the review, or if you don’t want to, you can fake it, and pretend that you are working on the review so convincingly that I cannot tell the difference.

374.   There’s about four minutes left in class, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, but around four.

375.   The insane are a good case to study, because they are committed.

376.   Semi means half;  half a circle is a semicircle, half a perimeter is the semiperimeter, and half of a 36 wheeler is a semi.

377.   Is everyone all squared away on area, then?

378.   If you’re here, that means you’re back from vacation.

379.   Another day, another dime, another difference made.

380.   Subtraction makes all the difference when you’re adding two things.

381.   It’s just that nose sniffling, phlegm hocking, snot slurping time of year.

382.   Today’s the day you get the chance to show off your acquired precalculus knowledge.  After grading the other classes tests, there has been quite a bit of showing off, even some trash-talking and victory dances.

383.   I seemed to have lost that information somewhere between gray mater and cyberspace.

384.   Let’s have a little fraction action.

385.   At the end of a proof, you can write Q.E.D., which is Latin for Quid Erat Demonstratum (that which has been demonstrated), or “Dorothy’s Dog” (es todo = it’s Toto.)

386.   Even though I’m telling you that you cannot distribute the cosine to each of the two angles, I have full faith and confidence that many of you will still do it at some point.  I really believe in each of you.

387.   Here’s a pre-class disclaimer.  I’m high on antihistamines.  Please disregard anything that I say that is surreal or doesn’t make sense, unlike usual.

388.   When we multiply by 180 over pi, we get rid of the pi’s, which never is a problem at my house at Thanksgiving.

389.   Being able to find exact trig values is very, very important, for instance if you were trapped in the dessert doing precal without your calculator!

390.   Math club members, come decorate the Landa Professional building Saturday at 9:00 sharp.  Be there or the fourth root of b to the eighth.

391.   Mrs. Jones, I don’t think your son is overwhelmed with the material, nor do I think he is underwhelmed, as you have alluded to.  I do believe that he suffers from a chronic, full-blown case of the Lazys.

392.   Everybody please come to the next math club meeting ready to have fun.  I guarantee we’re going to have a sphere.

393.   Unless you are going into a very technical field, you probably won’t use the specific information obtained from earning your college degree.  Your degree, then, becomes a symbol to prospective employers that allows them to say, “Here is a person in collegiate caliber.  He/she must be capable of enduring a bunch of crap.  That’s the kind of person we need to hire.”

394.   The last class they were exhausted after the last lecture.  Imagine how I felt, and I have to give it 3 more times.

395.   You must take turns when speaking out.  I can’t understand a thing any of you say when you all speak at once.  (to a quiet class, too timid to speak)

396.   Whoever didn’t just speak, I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat yourself.  I couldn’t hear you over the deafening roar of all the others who weren’t screaming out.

397.   You bet the test is two pages front and back.  Don’t worry.  I’ve got you covered.  You won’t run out of Calculus.

398.   Korpi:  What’s that awful smell?  Student:  Math!  Korpi:  I wonder if they make that scent in a candle, then.  I could put them all over my house and get you one for your house!

399.   You don’t need your calculator for the fractions on the quiz, quit whining.  The fractions are small anyway.  If you think they’re too big, write smaller, but no calculator.

400.   This semester I have three goals for you all.  First, I want each of you to have a renewed and enthusiastic rigorous love of learning.  Secondly, well I don’t want to tell you that one, and thirdly, I want you to figure out what the second goal is.

401.   Can anyone tell me what an algorithm is, and no, it’s not the former VP at a discothèque.

402.   Polynomial is made up of two parts: Polynom and ial.

403.   If you have two terms, you have a binomial.  If you have only one term, you have mono . . . errrrr . . . not necessarily.  If you have mono, you have something else altogether.

404.   Can a monomial be considered a polynomial, since poly means many and mono means one?  I guess that comes down to whether one can be many.  Sure, it can.  If you previously had none, then received one, and a big one at that, then one can be considered many.  It’s relative.  In the case of oral hygiene: one cavity is too many.

405.   A corollary is a statement that almost automatically drops out of another statement.  It is the immediate logical conclusion of another conclusion.  It is so obvious that it seldom needs proving, much less stating, but let’s do both here.

406.   Now when you are dividing, you want to be sure that the degree of the numerator is larger than the degree of the denominator.  This will assure that you are placing a smaller function into a larger one.  This is OK.  But when the denominator is larger, you are putting a larger function into a smaller function; this really hurts the smaller function.

407.   Student: “Why do we even have to study imaginary numbers?  They aren’t even real!”  Korpi:  “Be quiet!  They’ll hear you!”

408.   Pardon my mistakes today on our first day back from a long winter break.  If I botch a few numbers today, it’s because I wasn’t doing much math over the holidays like I know all of you did.

409.   What method of factoring do you use when you can’t factor by factoring?

410.   This will be the last problem I do because I’m running out of board, and because that’s what I’m getting.

411.   Student: “If you say you don’t know what the cubic equation is, how do you know about it?”  Korpi:  There are lots of things I know about but don’t know: like the quartic equation and the Periodic Table.

412.   Now if the chicken was actually a quintic function, and the x-axis was the road, the answer would be, of course, because he was an odd-degreed polynomial. (as an answer to ‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’)

413.   Korpi to his A day students on a Thursday: “See y’all Monday.  Have a great weekend . . . but come to school tomorrow, too.  So, have good Friday, first; but not a good Friday where you can’t eat meat.  I guess, have a great Friday, a super weekend, and when I see y’all again on Monday, that’ll be great.”

414.   Sometimes I feel like signing y’all detention just so that I could have the opportunity to teach you more math.

415.   If you’ve never seen the derivation of the quadratic formula, let me know some day when we are sitting around with nothing to do.  If you remember to remind me, I will show it to you.  It is kind of long, but man, is it beautiful.

416.   Now, if I make a few math errors today, it’s because we are all just back from a long, relaxing two week Holiday break, and I wasn’t doing math problems the whole time like y’all were, so I’m a little rusty.

417.   Man, I am Pedantically, Didactically, and Pedagogically out of shape.  That lesson exhausted me!

418.   What do you end up doing with a Coke can when you are done with it anyway?  You just toss it in the trash, or crush it on your forehead, or if you’re not thirsty, you crush it on your head before opening it.  

419.   The set of integers is a proper subset of the set of rationals.  This means that every integer is also an integer.  Not every rational, though, is an integer.  It's like each of us.  We are all members of the Sapien species, but we are also all Homos as well.  There are many members of the Homo genus that aren't Sapiens, like Homo Erectus.  OK, I'm going to stop this analogy now.

420.   Sure you can take the first two lunches, so long as the first one is taken in this room doing math.  And don't take your food out, either.  Heck, in that case, take all lunches today.

421.   Why do you keep looking at the door?  I need to go to the bathroom.  Oh, that makes sense.  I was thinking, "it isn't time to go, yet." But for you, I guess it is.

422.   Tonight you are going to make a box.  All you'll need is a sheet of paper, pencil, ruler, tape, and scissors.  Be sure to get your parents assistence with the scissors, but don't run with them to ask them for help.

423.   Tonight you are going to make a box, nothing fancy.  Made from aluminum, with seamless welds at the joints, with calligraphy engravings, or you can just use notebook paper.

424.   We are now at the point in calculus, since we have learned to take the derivative, where we are going to go backwards.  Although we will be 'undoing' what we just did, we will not be losing ground, but rather making progress.

425.   Integration is viewed by many to be more difficult than differentiation because it involves going backwards.  Going backwards is usually more difficult, just try getting the toothpaste back in the tube.

426.   Student coming in from outside: “OOOOh!  It’s pretty chilly.”  Korpi:  That’s the same thing I said the last time I opened a can of Hormel.

427.   Fellow teacher at an inservice: "Since we're starting 30 minutes late, I hope that doesn't mean we are going to end 30 minutes late."  Korpi: "Don't worry.  These types of things always have a few extra hours built into them."

428.   Although giving partial credit in math education is highly prized by administrators, parents, and especially students, the fact remains that in the real world, there is no partial credit: the bridge either supports us or collapses.

429.   Overheard in a conversation: "I don't think I could ever start drinking coffee.  I've seen people who depend on it, are addicted to the caffeine, people who can't function or begin their day without it.  I don't think I ever want to let something have that much control over me."  Korpi:  "Tell me about it.  I wish I would have known what you know before I ever first tasted ketchup."

430.   A superior once told me, "Here are your options . . ." then she told me which one to pick.  Luckily, I was married, so this was not difficult for me.

431.   When I'm stuck in traffic, I like to look at a place on the side of the road and analyze it very carefully, then say to myself, " I am so thankful for this traffic jam.  Without it, I would have probably never seen that, nor would I probably even want to."

432.   The efforts that go you in here won't be enough to get you out of here.

433.   The test will definitely not be a "cookie cutter" test from the review.  It's more lf a "hunt your prey then kill and gut it with your bare hands" kind of test.

434.   When speaking ubiquitously, I like to use, have used, and will use all the tenses.

435.   One of my pet peeves is when someone misuses a superlative case modifier or a reflexive pronoun.  They just hurt my ears.

436.   Beware of Negative numbers! They'll bring you down.

437.   Is that a new haircut?  You look more hairo-dynamic.

438.   I have a photographic memory.  I recall looking at some photos a few years ago.

439.   And before anybody asks, the answer is, "Yes: I missed all of y'all as much as y'all missed me."

440.   So you were absent yesterday, huh?  What was it?  A bad case of the heebie jebbies?  Or was it the Whillie Nillies?

441.   Checking your answer is a good habit to get into.  So is the convent.

442.   So at x equals 3, we have a Vertical As . . . I mean a . . .  I guess Asymptote is a word I need to finish once I start it.

443.   The idea of looking at the limit at a removable discontinuity, or a hole,  is like getting as close as we can to the edge of the Grand Canyon.  We climb over the guard railing and tiptoe to the edge to see what's going on at the hole.  Once we get there, we say, "Oh look, a whole"

444.   Today, each of you got up out of bed, brushed your teeth, got dressed, ate breakfast, and decided to come on in to school.  You are here today because you wanted to.  I'm here to tell you that with today's lesson you will not be disappointed.  If I did give you a free day like y'all are asking, I would have made your waking up and coming to school today pointless.

445.   I want each of you to start buckling down and get ready for the AP exam.  I want each of your names to get on the wall of fame back there before the end of the year. . . . I mean by the end of the start of next year, seeing as how I would make the name tags during the summer after I got your score.

446.   I want each of you to "think 5," that's AP 5.  Heck, I be happy if each of you thought AP 3.  Actually, think 5, that way if you fall short, you still have a shot at a 3.  You know what they say about aiming for the stars.

447.   I say, aim for outer space, that way if you come up short, your still in outer space.  Hopefully, it's not in the asteroid belt.

448.   I realize the objective percentages add up to 120%.  That's all part of "raising the standards."

449.   What do I see here?  Is that an imaginary number, or are my eyes just deceiving me?

450.   My wife and I use to sit behind each other in high school.

451.   You want to be careful that your scale on your graph is appropriate, so your graph doesn't get a fat axes.

452.   That's the biggest mistake I've made this period, period . . .exclamation point!

453.   To solve radical equations, you need to separate the radicals, just like the government does.

454.   If you have two radical terms in an equation, you still need to separate them, put them on their own sides.  If there is anything more dangerous than one radical, it's two of them.  Together they can start a revolution.  It's best to keep them at bay.

455.   You may use your calculators, provided you take at least one battery out, in which case, they would make a good straightedge.

456.   The way I'm teaching it to you is different than the book.  Here's the way the book teaches it. . . . . . . . . . . . .so if you see it done that way as you read, you won't be confused.  How many of you actually read the book?  (No one raises his hand.)

457.   As the values of x increase to infinity or decrease to negative infinity, the y values increase to infinity and decrease to negative infinity respectively.  They do get closer and closer and closer to the equation of the slant asymptote.  The slant asymptote, then becomes like a stairway to heaven or the road to hell.

458.   I don't think you can hack a math problem of that size.  You are such a bad axe.

459.   We are going to name our daughter after you, so for the rest of my life when I tell her to, "sit down and shut up,"  I'll think of you.  

460.   I think e-mail is ruining the English language.  People are becoming so causal and lazy that they don't use proper headings and the abbreviate everything, including abbreviations.  LOL.

461.   I'm going to put a Big As__terisk by this one.  Why do you think that one has a Big As___terisk by it?*

462.   What do we do if there are three radicals in the problem? Student:  Can we just erase one of them?  Korpi: No, that would make us no better than the federal government.

463.   No matter how large the values of 1 you choose, or how perfect the marriage is, 2 does not equal one.

464.   As you take the test, keep this in mind: I expect you to be proficient AND efficient.

465.   A Pleonasm is when someone uses too many words, sometimes repetitive, thoughts, ideas, or symbols, or words to express a certain, particular, or certain idea, thought, or idea.

466.   Whenever you square both sides of an equation, you are basically sending out open invitations for charlatan roots.  If they sneak in under your radar, it's your obligation to snuff 'em out.

467.   I think I need to go on temporary disability.  I think I have dry-erase marker elbow.

468.   I think that students who can't come to school on any given day should be required to find a substitute student who will come sit in the desk for them until they return.  That way teachers can come in and ask, "are we having a sub today?" so they know when to have free days.

469.   Student:  Mr. Korpi, you're one of the most interesting teachers I've ever had.  Korpi:  It's only because I teach one of the driest subjects.

470.   You know how amazing my son is?  He's only two.  The other day I said, "Tate, you're so amazing."  He quickly replied, "I know dad, but what's a Mazing?"

471.   I always forget to take roll.  I'm guess I'm just absent-minded.

472.   You need to define your variables, so if you say at "c", you need to
specify "where c is a constant."  For example, if I were to say, I don't
think we want to go there, that would be getting into unchartered c, where
c is a body of water, or sea."

473.   Korpi:  I've only had two people in my two years to score a 5 on the AP
exam.  Becker:  Ya, but they were Genieii.

474.   Student:  If the problem is too hard, can we just change it?
Korpi:  What, to like 1+1=2?  Someday we might.  We can dream about that
day where our technologies and civilizations are so advanced that we can
simplify such processes.  Shortly after that, the wheel might me
reinvented.

475.   I was told that the dog NEVER goes potty in the house, but when she did,
she at least went on the vinyl.

476.   Korpi: For the big "$500 fine for Dog's at large" sign at the entrance to
my neighborhood, there are sure alot of dogs at large.  Student who lives
in the neighborhood:  Ya, but all the ones who roam around are nice.
Korpi:  Ya, I've noticed that when I go running.  The nice ones run up to
me and growl and snap at me in the most polite of manners.

477.   I think that when I said I didn't like her class, she took it personally,
thinking I didn't like her Class.  What I meant, is that I didn't care for
the class, in general.  I should have been more specific.

478.   Student:  You mean we can't use our calculators on the test?  That's not
fair.  The SAT let's us use calculators.  Korpi:  I know, that's why I'm
not.  I want you to save your batteries for the SAT.

479.   This is a filler quote.

480.   Some people fear calculus so much they think it's  four-letter word.  It's not, however.  It is a four-letter word times two.

481.   I'm Mr. Korpi.  I teach math, one of the driest subjects on campus.  The good news is that I'm know as the guy who can put the moisture back in mathematics.

482.   I've said it once, I've said it twice, I'll say it again.  I do not like to repeat myself.

483.   True or false, Calculus is fun.  Let's just say true, since finding a counterexample might be difficult.

484.   These two problems are similar, yet alike somehow.

485.   Korpi:  Sometimes, when I'm thinking and writing too fast, I misspell words.  Student:  It's a good thing you don't teach English.  Korpi:  No, I think I could handle English if that is what I was teaching, I would just make alot of math mistakes then.

486.   I'm just being facetious.  That means jocular.  That doesn't mean athletic.

487.   When you use u-substitution, you can never lose sight of what u is.  Pardon my poor English.  I know it should be, "never lose sight of what u are, but I'm not trying to give you a life lesson, and in this case, u is singular.

488.   In this problem, we'll let u . . . . . . . figure out what u . . . . . . . . are going to call u, the inside function.

489.   U-substitution is a very formal method for evaluating integrals, something that can be accomplished by pattern recognition, without having to get dressed up in a tuxedo.

490.   If you forget to graph your Removable Discontinuity, I'll take off a point.  Think of it as a point for a point system.

491.   I was very disappointed with the test.  Now, I consider myself a pretty stand-up guy. Honest with integrity.  I don't lie.  So when I tell you that you are going to have a particular problem on the test, and soooo many people missed it, I can't help but think that y'all think I a big liar.  Who's got the last laugh now?

492.   Everyone thought the test was so hard, cursing me under their breath for being so evil.  Not a single person thanked me for making all the polynomial factorable, or for having nice integer solutions.  

493.   You need to learn to use your calculator as a tool.  At the very least, a crutch.  Some of y'all use your calculator as a stretcher.  If you need is for security, keep it under your desk, then if you panic, you can look down and see it there and say, "Whew, there you are calculator."

494.   Homework is soooo important.  I only weight is as 30% but it is really more important than the exam itself.  I hate to use sports analogies because they are so cliché, be here it goes.  Math is like a sport.  Imagine the football team who made it to the Super Bowl.  You think they made it there without practice?  What about for the big game?  You think they would stay up all night practicing for the big game then show up to play the day of?  They would either fall asleep before the first snap or lose the game shortly after.  It's the daily discipline where they develop the proficiency and endurance that is the most important.  Game day is time to just show up and execute what have learned how to do through practice, practice, practice.  I have no sympathy for people who tell me they were up 'til 4 in the morning studying.  They are going to lose the first snap.  The game itself is the hallmark event, but the winner is forged before that time ever comes.

495.   i is the imaginary unit.  It also make a good subject pronoun.  I doesn't make a good predicate pronoun, although many valiantly try.  The truly creative use the reflexive form as a subject pronoun, when there is no modifying subject upon which to predicate it.  This drives me crazy.  I just imagine they never said it.  Which brings us back to the imaginary unit.

496.   I think a good SAT word is "test."  I think it describes it appropriately well.

497.   I think if photocopying were an Olympic event, the staff of our school would win the Gold every year.  Though many might try to copy us, I don't think any other school can duplicate what we do. 

498.   Did you hear about the blind guy who walks into a bar and says, "Ouch," as he grabs his hip.  "I wish somebody would have told me that was there."

499.   Why is 6 afraid of 7?  Because 7, 8, 9.  He also killed 10.  And hangs out with 666.  And has bad breath, and is a close-talker.

500.   Remember, Jesus wants you to be good at math.  "Go forth and multiply," he said.  He also said, "Do your homework, especially for Mr. Korpi." 

501.   Today, I'm just dripping with anticipation.  My salivary glands deserve a raise in pay.  I can hardly restrain my bladder.  I feel a great math lesson coming on.

502.   What happens when you have an infinitely large number minus another infinitely large number?  Do you think they cancel each other out?  Precisely, No.  Although they are both infinitely large, one of them could be infinitely larger than the other, so there difference is indeterminable and could be zero OR infinity.

503.   For this problem, we have to use the properties of logs to help us condense the problem.  Condensation.  Yes sir, like a morning dew.  We need a little dew action here.  That is, we need a little "do" action here.  . . . Man that was stupid.

504.   The more tests we take, the more exams we'll have.

505.   I passing the tests out now, so I want all of y'all to get in the "zone."  Stretch your necks, rub your calculators, and do it to it.

506.   It seems like it was Thursday just a week ago.

507.   What is the plural of Warm-up?  Is it Warm-ups or Warms-up.  I know the plural of Mother-in-law is Mothers-in-law, because Mother is the actual noun in the compound noun, but what is the acting noun in Warm-up?  Do we have more than one warm?  Or do we have several ups?

508.   Another application of exponential growth is Information Dissemination, or Gossip.  Let's say that I found out that Little Johnny actually liked math,  once I spread that gossip, it would spread like wildfire, which we all know spreads exponentially.

509.   Korpi:  I think that piece of paper stuck to the wall is part of the map of Africa.  (Korpi makes African tribal drum sounds.)  Do you like my African tribal drum sounds?  Student:  That was off the wall.  Korpi:  Yes it was, but then I hung it up, which is how this conversation started.

510.   Now the logistics curve actually has two Horizontal Asymptotes, the upper one being the Carrying capacity, or in the example of getting the word out to the student body, it is the number of students on campus.  Now, theoretically, as time goes on into infinity, more and more people on campus will hear the information, but because of the Horizontal Asymptote, there will always be that ONE person, walking around cluelessly, with his head in the clouds, who'll never find out, saying, "Whaaaaaaaaaat?"

511.   I now, I will introduce you to a healthier, lower fat, all natural base: e!  Known as the natural base, naturally.  It shows up in nature alot, too.

512.   Here's a career opportunity: be the math guy who stands by the mainframe computer, watching the computer calculate the decimals to e, 2.718 . . .  Just watch the numbers role in.

513.   Now I know computers are inanimate objects, but I think there comes a point in calculating the decimal digits in a non-terminating, non-repeating irrational numbers where the computer gets so crazy with boredom that it throws itself out the nearest window.

514.   OK, let's try to generalize some characteristics of logs, besides the fact that they're made of wood.

515.   The guys who invented the concept of zero didn't think anything of their feat.  In fact, they thought is was nothing.

516.   OK we've goofed around enough today.  We need to get started on the lesson.  We're already like the guy who goes in to have liposuction on his rear end:  we're getting a little behind.

517.   Now unlike the worthless S.O.B. Formula, which is totally useless, the C.O.B. formula is tremendously useful.  It is the Change of Base formula, or, if you're from Ireland, the Change O' Base formula.

518.   Where besides in the woods or a fireplace have y'all come in counter with logs?  Christmas?  Yes, I suppose the Yule log would work.  Where would Christmas be without logarithms to get us in that Yuletide spirit?

519.   You can either use log base 10 or log base e with the change of base formula.  Your calculator can handle either of these.  So which one should you use?  Well, if you want to be like me, might I suggest the Natural log, base e.  If you don't want to be like me, might I still suggest the Natural log, base e.

520.   The following problems are all going to be similar and different.  Does that make sense?  I mean, had I said, "the following problems are going to be identical or congruent, but different," that might be confusing.  But things can be very similar yet extremely different: identical twins, for example.

521.   Korpi to a male student:  Is "So and So" your sister?  I didn't even make the connection.  Oh, you're twins too?  Identical or fraternal?

522.   Exponents and Logs are inverses operations of each other, like multiplication and division, addition and subtraction, sine and . . . refusing to sign?

523.   I don't mind if people steal my material, as long as they give me credit for it.  But who would want to steal my material, besides thieves?

524.   Pain is fleeting.  Pain is ephemeral.  It doesn't last very long.  It only hurts for a little while.--Tate Korpi, Age 2.67 years

525.   Shoot!  I've erased my reminder.  Remind me to write a reminder later to remind myself to write down the thing I was trying to remember to do, cause I'll forget.

526.   Of course my son is goofy, too.  Where do you think I get it from?

527.   The only way I will allow you to use your calculators on the test is if you tape it to the bottom of your foot, and you take the test standing only on the calculator foot.  To add to the feat, not feet, you must remove the batteries first.

528.   So if we trace along the curve, we can see the amount of trace element that is left, however, this is not always the case, only in this trace case.

529.   Wouldn't it be neat if they had a field event that was similar to pole vaulting, where you have to jump over a horizontal stick, but instead of using a pole, you would have to use your own feet to determine how high you could jump.    They could call it the poleless vault, or the foot vault, or something clever like that.

530.   I learned that the majority of the people in this world are people I haven't met, nor would I ever want to.

531.   Someone needs to make a song about the accomplishments of the Budweiser everyday guy who writes songs about the overlooked accomplishments of everyday guys.

532.   Wake up Mr. Jones, unless you are dreaming about math, then it's OK, but in that case, it could have been a nightmare, like some of assignments you turn in.  Please go back to sleep.

533.   Indeed, I write much more eloquently than I speak.  The spoken and the written language are very similar, but yet so far apart.  For instance, the spoken word is much easier to hear.

534.   Sometimes when I'm writing and I want to use a big word where a diminutive word would be amply sufficient, I increase the font size of the diminutive word to only make it appear bigger.

535.   I won't tell you how old I am.  Let's just say, if they were truly "birthdays," I would have 29 bellybuttons, in which case.

536.   I think there is something inherently majestic about watching eagles and horse running wild together in the wilderness.  I think it is uninherently majestic to put crowns on their heads just to watch them struggle to shake them off.

537.   The time in takes for the bell to ring is inversely proportional to the distance between the door and the pack of students waiting by the it for the bell to ring.

538.   No calculators on the test.  Save your batteries for Spring Break.

539.   On number 7 on the test, I want you to give me an exact number, not just a log expression, like, "Man he's so lazy he's just a bump on a log."

540.   I'm not going to tell you until after the test that you are going to be able to do test corrections.

541.   This first thing you need to do when trying to graph exponential and logarithmic equations is to ask yourself, "Self, is it exponential or logarithmic?"

542.   To determine if an equation is exponential or logarithmic, look to see if it has the word "log" in it.  If it does, it isn't exponential.  It will have a VA.

543.   When taking a test, alway remember the advice of Kenny Rogers' Gambler: you got to know when to walk away, and know when to run.  But don't do either until you've simplified all of your answers.

544.   Sometimes it seems like my life is like the troll who says you need a pass to cross the bridge, then tells you that you get them at the booth on the other side of the bridge.

545.   Anything to the zero-th power is one, except zero of course, because it's not anything at all: it's undefined.  But, that is not to say that nothing to the zero-th power is undefined, because it isn't.

546.   To me Spring Break is nothing more than what the caveman said when he jumped on the mattress too hard. 

547.   'Enthused'  is not a word.  You mean 'enthusiastic!'  If you were actually enthusiastic enough, you wouldn't need to abbreviate it!

548.   Here are some common isotopes and their respective half-lives.  There's Carbon-14, Plutonium, Uranium, Einsteinium, and this one that I've never heard of before: does anyone Nobelium?

549.   OK, that problem wasn't so bad.  Let's do that thing on a cow where you get milk from--Let's do an udder.

550.   Let's take this expanded logarithmic expression this morning and dew a little condensation with it.

551.   . . .so the population comes out to 803,773.869 people.  Mathematicians are very interested in that .869th of a person.  Many acutally like numbers better than people.  People more concerned with humanity will give that .869th person the benefit of the doubt and make them a whole person.

552.   When taking the derivative of an exponential function that is not the natural base, you must remember to multiply, not divide by, the natural log of that base.  To help you remember: "P-roduct"  has a "P" in it, and so does "ex-P-o-nent."  Wow, when you say that really slowly with a certain emphasis, you might think is was giving you a vulgar command.

553.   Well, our daughter was born last Thursday.  We named her Jenna.  Because she was born with so much hair, her middle name is Fur.  Her full name is now Jenna Fur Korpi.

554.   That was very deep!!  You ought to send that into Reader's Digest.  They have a page just for people like you.

555.   If you just punch in the numbers into your calculator and hit enter, it spits the answer out, but you won't get wet because the plastic screen acts like a screen.

556.   I have no use for a cell phone.  I don't have an exaggerated sense of my importance, and I think talking to other people is overrated.

557.   I didn't have to pay a thing for my home gym.  I furnished it with free weights.

558.   Today in class I reviewed subtraction with my students.  I hope it made a difference.

559.   You can bring your assignment to me this afternoon or tomorrow morning, whichever comes first.

560.   I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, which wouldn't have been bad, except my bed is up against a wall, and now, I have this huge sheetrock repair.

561.   Why were you absent last class?  Were you sick or just ill?

562.   My son doesn't listen very well.  No matter how many times I tell him, he just won't sit still while I tickle him.

563.   I always afraid to go to functions where large crowds are gathered because in the event of an accident, I would hate to hear the words, "Is there a mathematician in the house?"

564.   If we don't find the solution, who will? Should we employ a search party?

565.   All the easy theories have already been taken.  Hooke had it easy.

566.   I should have started making these comments later in the year, because I believe I am running out of them.

567.   When you sleep in my class, please have the courtesy to remain sleeping while I talk about you.

568.   Don't believe everything you read in the dictionary.

569.   If you think integrals are fun, let me tell you about double and triple integrals.

570.   There is a limit at that point, and the limit is infinity.

571.   Pardon me, I was just caught in a repetitive loop of self-indulgence.

572.   The following problem could be on the test, but it won't.

573.   The good thing about being a math major in college, was that the labs weren't very smelly.

574.   Now where was I, before I so rudely interrupted myself?

575.   Is he salivating because of my savory lecture, or is he slobbering on his desk in his sleep?

576.   If theorems were people, this one would be my best friend.

577.   On any Chemistry test, I think it's important to know your basic acids.

578.   The only math I am requiring y'all do over summer is to count the days until you are in my math class again next year.

579.   There won't be extra credit on the exam, but I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll give you full credit.

580.   If each of you spent as much time studying for your final exam as much as you spent trying to find ways of making the test easier, you'll accomplish your goal.

581.   You are all making me so angry asking me to leave class that I'm this close to granting your wishes.

582.   Difficult problems are only torture to the dedicated math student who actually labors over them and is interested in finding their solutions.  The rest of y'all only are interested in complaining about them.

583.   I'm Mr. Korpi.  This is my brain, and this is my dry-erase marker: my instruments of math instruction.

584.   Don't be fooled by the proofs that I got, I'm still Korpi from the block.

585.   I think I'll go to the barber today after school.  I'm going to have my hair cut longer.

586.   No, I didn't get a haircut, I just combed my hair shorter today.

587.   The word is not rel-ishing, but relish-ing, which is the act of putting diced pickel products on hot dogs.

588.   Korpi: Don't you ever call me 'guy' again.  Student:  OK 'man.'

589.   The only math I'm requiring you to do over the summer is to count the days until you are in my math class again this year.

590.   Shhhhhhh.  Do y'all smell that?

591.   You can use your notes on the exam as long as you use them inside your zipped backpack, which won't really help you unless you are a contortionist, but even then, I think it would be too dimly lit to see anything.

592.   Just because you see me doesn't mean I'm here, anymore than not seeing me means I'm not here.

593.   If you should find any mistakes on the exam, please raise your hand so that I can tell you to disregard them.

594.   You want a hint. OK, here's your hint.  "Look in the grassy knoll."

595.   Student:  Can I burn my textbook?  Korpi:  Sure.  Are you cold?  I hear that math textbooks make good fire fuel, especially the chapter on logs.

596.   . . . and I was so touched by her sincere gratitude in her 'thank you' note for the letter of recommendation I gave her, that I wroter her a 'thank you' note, to which she replied . . . 

597.   I'm persistant.  Only after trying it from 90 different Angles did I get it Right.

598.   If you have any mathematical emergencies over the summer, please do not hesitate to call me.  I'm there to help.

599.   Before you turn in your textbooks for the year, please remove the bookcover that it never had and make sure it is your name that you never wrote written in it.

600.   I'm going to try really hard not to miss you this summer, except if you were a bad student and I see you while I'm out driving in my car.

601.   And your boss doesn't mind you giving massages for money while you are working for him at the pet store?!?!  That's Moonlighting in broad daylight!

602.   Wrong!!!  There is a hole in your reasoning.  The reason there is a hole there is not because your calculator gives you an error.  The calculator gives you an error because there is a hole there.  

603.   Parallel lines do meet, only incognito.

604.   Alright, calm down there Parabola man.  Don't get bent out of shape.

605.   I really like to study polynomials with non-trivial coefficients because they have such shapely curves and nice figures.

606.   Next year we will be getting a new precalculus book.  We have already done extensive testing and we have concluded that it does look good sitting in the bottom of your lockers.

607.   My fortune cookie message to you is that I hope that your summers are so cool that you are forced to wear a coat while sunbathing so as to avoid the dangerous UV rays.

608.   Next year I think I'm going to do a little more to prepare my seniors for college.  As part of my plans for a more rigorous curriculum, I plan on teaching them how to cook Ramen.

609.   I want you all to have fun this summer.  And if you don't have any, either get a job and buy some, or borrow some from a friend.  I will even consider giving you an advance on the fun we will be having next year in math class.

610.   People always come up to me and say, "Mr. Korpi, just are just so gawsh darn funny . . . looking."  To which I burst out in laughter and reply, "That's a great one, but, you should see things from my perspective."

611.   I stayed up all night worrying about whether y'all were up all night worrying about the test, but then I went to bed.

612.   Quit fighting, y'all.  There's plenty of math here to go around.

613.   I just wanted to tell all of you that you all have class for showing up for the test today.  I'd hate to make your trip for nothing.

614.   I'm an animal lover, too.  Especially cows, they make the best burgers.  I knew this cow once they called Cookie.  Man, you should have seen her work the griddle.

615.   I'm sorry I offend you.  Some things just come naturally to me.

616.   Growing up, my dad used to say, "Eat your onions, boy.  They'll put toes on your feet."  Yep, my dad was never wrong.

617.   The little numbers written in the crotches of the radicals are called 'indices.'  This is also where many fish reside. 

618.   This year there will be no food or drinks, including water, allowed in class.  This is especially challenging for us, because mathematics is so darn mouth-watering.

619.   As part of your homework, this year, I want you to pre-read the next section of your textbook before you come to class.  But wait, since you don't have textbooks this year, I guess you can't do that, after all.  Oh, well!  The intent was there.

620.   I will allow you to bribe me on the test.  For $1 per point, you can buy your grade, not to exceed $50.

621.   When we say the limit is infinity, we are really saying there is no limit.  For instance, if I say you have infinite potential, I am exaggerating, but I'm saying there is no limit to what you could do.

622.   Shhhhhhhhhhhhh, everybody.  I feel a pledge coming on.

623.   A possible value for a would be b, unless of course a cannot be b, then a would be some other non-b value.

624.   If what I'm saying is going over your head, I suggest you stand for the rest of the year.

625.   When I say, "think quietly to yourself," I mean "in your head."  Some of you have leaky ears, because I can hear you.

626.   Let's do this problem democratically.  How many of y'all think the answer is 5?

627.   Please be kind to your Calculus books.  They are in pretty bad shape.  I don't know why, but they seem like they are subject to random acts of violence.

628.   Have no fear!! I know to turn the volume down on the TV before I turn the VCR on.  I have been to teacher school!

629.   I don't like to consider myself as just a Teacher, but rather more as a Teachemall.

630.   This year, I plan on moving more quickly through the curriculum, so that the time spent complaining about the content is minimized.

631.   If I have to ask you to be quiet again, I'm gonna turn green and rip through my purple pants!

632.   We need to multiply by several clever forms of one.  In doing so, we don't change the original expression, because "anything" times one is still "anything," as long as "anything" isn't just anything, but rather the original thing.

633.   Do you realize that there is an actual difference between sweet potatoes and yams?!  The yam proponents have launched a new campaign to educate the public: "We're not Sweet Potatoes, Yammit!"

634.   Has anyone ever been in such a fierce downpour that the rain hurt like hail?

635.   Sure you can sleep in class today.  Just do it with your eyes open and pen moving.  Also, be ready to respond should I suddenly call on you.  Sweet Dreams."

636.   Nothing makes me hungrier for Math than the thought of a cold yam.

637.   Your book calls an arbitrary coordinate (u, v), but I will simply use (x, y).  I try to avoid UV at all costs; there is a history of skin cancer in my family.

638.   The folks at Harvard have nothing on y'all.  The only difference is that they don't have any money because it all goes to their expensive tuition. . . . . No? . . . . . . Y'all don't buy that? . . . That's probably because y'all can't afford to buy it like those Harvard kids can.

639.   I can't do anything about your Physics teacher.  My hands are tied.  . . . What?! . . . . He said he doesn't like Calculus?!  Well, that's getting personal.  Not only are my hands now untied, but they are in fists.

640.   So to remember the Quotient Rule, just sing the diddy, "Ho-d-Hi minus Hi-d-Ho, over Ho Ho."  In the denominator you have an abbreviated Holiday greeting from Santa.  Although, Santa could also say Hi Hi, he would certainly say Ho Ho, first, hence, it goes in the denominator.

641.   We can do this proof two ways: the short way or the long way.  The difference is like going from here to San Antonio by going South (a distance of only 30 miles), or contrarily by going North.

642.   If you go North, you’ll end up going South.

643.   When I get to the ocean, I won’t have to take a boat or an airplane!  I have an amphibious vehicle, and you can’t tell me what I can and can’t do with it.

644.   Now that we have finished the problem, let’s debrief, but keep your underpants on, please.

645.   I took a bath instead of a shower last night because I wanted to conserve gravity.  Yah, I figured there must be a shortage, because so many of my student’s heads were in the clouds.

646.    is a very unlucky number, but, since it is a number, one could put it on one’s athletic jersey instead of the equivalent number, but be warned, people might think you were weird, because, who would pick an unlucky number for their jersey.

647.   Once I found the ice cream in the back of the freezer, I had the problem licked.

648.   I used to watch Bewitched growing up, but I never really ever got used to the second Darren.

649.   To see if a critical point is a local max or min, we only need to analyze the slopes East and West of the point.  Let’s take a trip to the West side now.  Everyone please stay together!  Safety in numbers!

650.   You need to label your intentions so that if I or your teacher read your paper, I and the teacher being one in the same, they will know what you are doing.

651.   There will be partial credit on the exam.  For the select few, there will be very partial credit.

652.   When my wife and I were at different colleges, she wasn’t then my wife, we were only dating heavily.

653.   Your only homework is to prepare yourself for the large celebration of mathematical knowledge extravaganza which is scheduled for next time.  Come early, and get a good seat.  Everyone present before the tardy bell gets a free prize, redeemable for points.

654.   Ok, I’m sorry for digressing there and going off on a tangent.  This is, after all, Calculus.

655.   I saw a box of crackers the other day that read, “Stoned Wheat Crackers.”  I immediately thought to myself, “Duuuuuuuude, those sound soooooooo delicious right now, I could eat the whoooooole box, Maaaaaaaan.”

656.   I think it’s unfair to name just one math course in relation to it’s preparation for Calculus.  I think Precalculus is an appropriate name, but Geometry should be called PresquaredCalculus, Algebra II should be Precubed Calculus, Algebra I PretothefourthCalculus, and so on.  Statistics should also be renamed “Analytic Prevarification.”

657.   That comedian is just like me, only funnier.

658.   Do any of y’all ever sit back, take a random object, and try to write a joke about it?  For example, take this yard stick.  You can say, “How do you measure acreage?  With a yard stick,” or you can say, “What do you call a ruler on your lawn?  A yard stick.”  But the yard stick doesn’t necessarily have to be the punch line, for instance, you could say, “What did the yard stick say to the other yard stick?  You rule!!”  Do any of you ever do that?  Or is that just me?

659.   Believe me when I say that our society can’t think for itself anymore.  Believe me when I say we should begin to question everything again.  Believe me when I say we need to lose our collective gullibility.  Take my word on it.

660.   As much of a pain as it is to try to get good copies these day, with the machines always broken, it sure beats the old fashion way of copying.  Just ask Guttenberg’s successors. 

661.   Some of you are misusing the solution’s manual.  I see to many of you not using your brain, but rather just copying the steps and solutions directly out of it.  If you really enjoy copying that much, I’ll start having you personally make my class set of handouts.

662.   When I grow up, I want to be a little kid.

663.   I tried to explain the meaning of Pi to my three-year-old son the other day.  I explained to him the upper and lower bound could be obtained by dividing a circumscribed and inscribed polygon, I used a hexagon to keep it simple, by their respective “diameters.”  Afterwards, I asked him what he thought about Pi.  He said, “I like Pi, Daddy.  I like Blueberry Pi the best.”  Apparently, he didn’t listen to a word I said.  He did have a point, though: blueberry pie is darned good.

664.   My three-year-old son told me the other day that his favorite shape was a hexagon.  Not a bad choice, I told him.  The hexagon is my favorite polygon, but not my favorite shape in general.  Perhaps his tastes will change as he approaches four.

665.   My wife and I recently bought a King-size bed for our bedroom, so that our two kids could be more comfortable at night.

666.   Our district wants each of its faculty members to be technologically proficient.  That is, it wants each of us to learn how to use all the technology it cannot afford to by for us to use.

667.   I think all bathroom doors in public should open to the outside.  Here’s why?  Do you know how few guys wash their hands after they use the restroom?  Then they grab the door handle to pull it open.  After I clean up afterwards, the last thing I am required to do when I leave is grab that handle, which amounts to grabbing a handle that has touched just about every guy who has used those facilities.  It makes me want to turn around and wash my hands again, but then there’s that darn handle again. 

668.   My wife had a garage sale last weekend.  Now I have nowhere to park my car.

669.   Is it just me, or does it defeat the purpose to have scheduled fire drills?  Are our fires going be scheduled, too?

670.   I think the problem with today’s students, is that too many of them are only interested in being shining examples of the Law of the Conservation of Energy.

671.   To me, a thermal mug is a picture of a guy with a full facial beard and moustache.

672.   I’ll get to that idea again later when it comes to me.

673.   Sometimes I have a hard time getting something out of my head once it gets there.  For instance, when I was five, my brother shot me in the temple with a BB gun . . .

674.   We cannot say that a function is either increasing or decreasing at a relative max or min.  It is doing neither there.  Consider Sir Edmund Hillary climbing Mount Everest for the first time.  He didn’t just climb up one side and immediately climb down the other.  He probably stayed at the top for a while, catching his breath, reveling in his accomplishments, taking in the view, building a small campfire, catching a bite to eat, making some yellow snow, all before he started back down again.  A relative extrema is just such a resting point.

675.   I bet it would really suck to climb Mount Everest and think you were at the top, in which case you would start celebrating, but then you realize that there is really a lot more mountain ahead of you that was only blocked by a cloud.

676.   I’d rather be a mountain climber than a cave explorer.  When a climber reaches the apex, the hard work is over, it’s all downhill from there.  It is opposite for a spelunker.  Once he reaches his nadir, and then wants out, well, that’s when he actually has to start the hard work.  I like to safe the easy for the last.

677.   It is only my own humble opinion, but I think Willie Wonka is the greatest fictional candy maker of all time.

678.   He who think he can or he can’t is probably confused over the true potential of his capabilities.

679.   Some scientists have now theorized that our universe is actually a large thin membrane, comparing our universe and parallel universes to slices of bread in a loaf.  The proponents of the Global Warming theory have now predicted that if this is the case, our Universe is toast.

680.   What the heck is the difference between jam, jelly, and marmalade?  Aren’t they all made from fruit?  Don’t they all come in jars and go on toast?  Shouldn’t marmalade start with a “J?” 

681.   When I die, I want to come back as a dead guy. . . in a big, plush coffin with vaulted ceilings, on account of my being claustrophobic.

682.   99.999% of the time, a graph with both a vertical asymptote and a slant asymptote will be in the opposite quadrants, or compartments, from each other, and when they are in opposite quadrants, 99.999% of the time, they will be in the acute compartments.  I guess they just like small spaces.

683.   [Coughing, hacking, eyes tearing up]  I guess I shouldn’t have eaten that toothpick.  I should listen to my wife. [cough, hack, cough]  NEVER, I TELL YOU! NEVER!!  I AM MY OWN [Big Cough] MAN!!

684.   I don’t know why there is a big sign in the corner saying “Room 903?”  The janitor must have put it there.  You would think with three permanent signs outside the door saying “room 903” that another one inside would be unneeded.  I think we can begin to say, though, with statistical confidence that as more signs labeling this room as 903 appear, that there is an increasingly likely chance that this room may be room 903.

685.   I like my steaks cooked medium well.  I only like raw meat on rare occasions.

686.   I really smells like tuna, but y’all claim no one opened a bag of tuna.  How can that be?  There’s something fishy going on!

687.   Here’s a nice problem.  Would any of you like to take a male goose at it?

688.   The next Math Club meeting will be before the one after that, but after the last one.

689.   When it rains, it pours, and when it pours, it might be a pitcher.

690.   Look!  It’s so windy outside, it blew the rider off that swing!

691.   It’s so windy outside, my lips get chapped just looking at it.

692.   I think being chapped to death is the worst way to die.  The only thing possibly worse is if there was a tub of Vaseline intensive care just out of your reach as you were being chapped to death.  That would really chap my hide.

693.   The new Math Club shirts are in, so come down, pick one up and try it on, before there out.

694.   I cannot stand waiting around in an upright position with no place to sit. 

695.   I think we should all believe in something.  I believe I’ll stop talking now.

696.   The other night I had a dream that I was awake, then I woke up, and it was true!

697.   I think the food at Taco Bell is all the same.  It just comes in different shapes.

698.   Here let me sharpen that pencil for you.  How can you expect to sharpen your skills with such a dull pencil?  Sharp lead, sharp mind.  That’s what I’ve always said once or twice.

699.   I have good news today, kids.  The fire drill was cancelled today due to the rain outside.  In the case that there was an actual fire, I suppose it would be extinguished by all the rain.  No fire, no fire drill.  Apparently fires only happen in sunny weather!

700.   I got a note from a student’s parent the other day that said, “Please excuse ‘so and so’s’ tardy.  We were running late.”  I wrote a note back saying, “Please excuse my incredulity, I was in disbelief.”

701.   OK!  It’s 2 in the afternoon in a Calculus class.  I have one question to ask:  Who’s makin’ bacon?  I’m starting to salivate, and it’s not over this math problem!

702.   I realize the test is a little long, but I promise I will give you sufficient time to incomplete it.

703.   The janitor outside uses his shoe to remove scuff marks from the floor.  When he’s hard at it, his sneakers squeak so much, you’d swear he was playing a game of one-on-none with himself.

704.   Student:  Will you write me a letter of Recommendation?  Korpi:  Sure, but it all depends on what you want me to recommend you for.  Tell you what, you write one, and I might sign it.  Thanks.  I’ll need it by tomorrow.

705.   The 3-dimensional Moebius Torus is a twist on the 2-D Moebius Strip.

706.   Time, Money, and Quality are three competing resources.  You can usually have only two of them at the expense of the third.

707.   Today we will be starting a Calculus lesson on Optimization.  I am going to try to cram as much information as possible into the lesson in the allotted amount of time.

708.   As your understanding of the second derivative matures, your knowledge will increase at an increasing rate, meaning, it will be concave up.

709.   Patience now, patience.  There are plenty enough exams to go around.  In fact, there are so many questions on this test, we can make two or three out of them.

710.   The test is not long, only eleven and a half inches down each of the 5 pages on which it is typed.

711.   If the radius of the coke can was as large as it could be, the height would be zero.  What I’d get from the Coke machine wouldn’t be a can at all, it would be two large aluminum disks sandwiched around an infinitely thin layer of air.  But I don’t want a sandwich!  I’m not hungry, I’m thirsty, and that’s why I tried to buy Coke.

712.   There is a much easier way to do this problem if you would just quit making it so difficult.

713.   As much as it hurts to get hit by rocks, I think it would hurt even more to get hit by frozen rocks.

714.   I can't even imagine being chapped to death.

715.   Your indefinite integral needs to be more definitive.

716.   Just in case you all didn’t know, here’s some mathematical trivia:  Zero is neither positive, nor is it negative.  It is neutral.  It’s the numerical equivalent of Switzerland.

717.   We used to have an organ growing up, but my mom ended up giving it to Goodwill.  She said it was a very noble thing to be an organ donor.

718.   When I die, I’m going to leave my Pianos to Goodwill and my Organs to Science.

719.   When I say “jump,” you say “how high?”  When I say, “don’t jump,” you don’t say, “how low?”

720.   Do you know that our school board just spent almost 40 grand on a consultant just to tell them how they can save money?  Doesn’t that seem odd to you?  Never mind the fact that that financial management and allocation is one of the job descriptions of the superintendent.  I always knew that it took money to make money, but apparently now it takes money to save money.

721.   I wouldn’t call Precalculus a breeze.  A strong Gale, though, I would.

722.   Of course I’m not going to read your Calculus Christmas Carol to the entire class, Carols are written to be SUNG!

723.   Bye!  Have an edible Lunch (as students leave the class to go to lunch.)

724.   So far, in my 29 short years, I have successfully avoided death.  On some Friday nights in high school, I also successfully avoided having a life.

725.   When all else fails, hit all the buttons at once.

726.   Call me Korpi Klaus, bring of Glad Tidings and Mathematical Merriment.

727.   When we go Calculus Caroling, it won’t work unless we all sing, but even then it probably still won’t, but I want everyone to try, so if you get embarrassed easily, pretend that you don’t.

728.   Hello class, we are the AP calculus class, and we are about to sing some Christmas carols like you’ve never heard  . .  Believe me!!!!  Please save all your jeering until the very end.

729.   It’s funny that you heard us caroling and came running to see what it was.  It’s usually the other way around.

730.   Hello, we are the AP calculus class, and we are going to sing some modified Christmas Carols for you.  So if you are planning to take Calculus in the future, you have something to look forward to.  To succeed in Calculus, you not only need to be good at math, but you must have a high tolerance for public ridicule.

731.   Your test will be multiple choice, but not on Scantron.  If you right your answer choices straight down the left-hand side of your paper, I can grade them just as quickly.  I usually have the letter sequence memorized by the third paper.  I usually make some type of word out of them, for example: “AahBeBeCeEeeAahAahBeCeeDahDahAahEeeCeDah”

732.   While speaking with the Principal this morning, totally against my will, I discovered two ways to avoid speaking to him altogether.  All you have to do is one of the following: Discuss something intelligent with him – or – speak with a sense of humor.  He hates them both, apparently.

733.   As a potential author of several books, I don’t care if people read the books I haven’t written, as long as they buy them.

734.   I will now pass around this small package of table salt.  When it comes to you, please remove only one grain from the package, because what I have to tell you, I want you to take with a grain of salt: “I only have one packet to share among all of us.  Hard to believe, I know.”

735.   Student: “How long has it been taking the other classes to finish the test?”  Korpi: “Oh, about 28 questions.”

736.   Korpi: “Hey, I just found a dollar bill out in the hall.  This must be my lucky day!”  Student:  “Oh, that’s mine I just dropped it.”  Korpi: “Really!  Ok, then, can you describe what it looks like?”  Student:  “Yes, it’s green and has a picture of George Washington on the front.”  Korpi:  “Oh, so close. I’m sorry, though.  This one is green, too, but it has a picture of George Washington on the back, not the front.”

737.   Any positive number is bigger than any negative number, for example, one is much bigger than negative one million.

738.   The definite integral gives the NET area, not necessarily the gross, for example, in this problem there are 4 inches below the x-axis and 1 square inch above the x-axis.  If I was looking to carpet this area, I would need to order 4+1=5 square inches of carpet, which is hardly worth ordering to begin with.  However, the definite integral gives us the net area: the area below the x-axis is negative, and positive above, so the net area is negative 4 plus one which is negative 3 square inches.  That would be even harder to order.

739.   Bye, Bye.  Have fun with that math homework.  Do all you want; I’ll make more.

740.   I don’t really like the taste of lipstick.  I won’t even kiss my wife if she’s wearing it.  Incidentally, she won’t kiss me either if I’m wearing it, but for a different reason, of course.

741.   Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?”  Korpi:  “Well I was 4-wheeling, then I was suddenly 0-wheeling.”

742.   Students: “Mr. Korpi, how’d you hurt your knee?”  Korpi:  Well, let’s just say that it is very, very important to stretch prior to working very large math problems.”

743.   Don’t forget to get me that newspaper when you come back from lunch, if you remember.

744.   Korpi: “Don’t make fun of the way I dress.  My wife picks out my clothes for me, so laugh at my wife.”  Students:  “Really?! Your wife picks out your clothes?”  Korpi:  “Of course not, sillies.  It was just a joke.  That’s still my mom’s job!”

745.   Did you all hear President Bush’s new Mars proposal.  He said that the U.S. was fixin’ to get ready to think about making plans to plan a trip that would land us on Mar.

746.   For those of you who think Hitler is still alive, he’d be 114 today!—April 20, 2003

747.   This is the worst week I’ve had in a couple of days.

748.   Alright!  Which one of you young ladies was first?  You?  OK, then.  I’m sorry, but you are just going to have to wait your turn!

749.   We all make mistakes.  In this case, it was quite an obvious mistake we should have recognized sooner.  It was right there in front of our noses the whole time.  But if you think about it, how often during the day do you actually see your nose.  Unless you cross your eyes, or have a really big nose, you can’t see it, you just trust that it’s there.  Right now, for instance, I assume my nose is still there, because if it wasn’t you would all be laughing or being grossed out.  Y’all would be like, “Wow!  Look, Michael Jackson is our Calculus Teacher!” But I’m too dark to be Michael Jackson.  I’d have to prove I wasn’t by Moonwalking during a math problem.  So as I was saying . . .

750.   I’m a math teacher.  Even my dreams are boring.  In fact, they are so boring, they put me to sleep.I

751.   If each of your (students) don’t live up to my expectations, it is your failing, not my mistake.

752.   Last week, I kept getting this Pop-Up ad for Viagra; it was like the ad, itself, was on the stuff. 

753.   If I don’t see y’all ‘til next time, have a great time ‘til then, or even better.

754.   I have graded your tests.  Some did better than others, some worse than others. One person did no worse than anyone, and one also did no better than anyone.  The lowest grade was below the top score, which was above the lowest.  The rest of the grades were distributed between the high and low grade.  So, overall, the grades were somewhere between zero and 100, with the lowest score not being zero, but the highest grade actually being 100.  I will hand them back to you now.

755.   After this problem, we will be closer to being close to almost being ready to be fixing to be almost done.

756.  Thanks for catching my error.  I knew something wasn’t right.  It just didn’t feel right when I did it.  I was thinking, “Did I leave the iron on at home? No, I don’t iron.  Did I forget my car keys this morning?”  As it turned out, I just missed a negative.

757.  Korpi: “Here’s the last of the easy ones . . .”  Student:  “Ya, before you beat us to death with the hard ones.”  Korpi:  “No, No, No!  I prefer to call it flogging.”

758.  Because this class asks much more profound and probing questions than the other class; consequently, we have more lively discussions.  Also, consequently, we have to go more quickly through the lesson.  But, more intelligent people ask more intelligent questions, and, more intelligent people can learn more quickly.  So to get the lesson in, I usually have to talk 90 to nothing, almost intelligibly fast.  I am confident that you will either get the lesson or quit asking so many darn questions.

759.  It’s OK in our answer if we restrict the domain.  The domain of our answer can be a subset of the domain of our original function.  What we don’t want to happen is for the original problem’s domain to be a proper subset of our answer.  Think of the dire and irreversible consequences!!!

760.  Although my daughter is 10 months old, when people ask how old she is, I say, “Zero.”  From this, they infer, usually, if they don’t breathe through their mouth, that she is in the interval of the non-inclusive interval of zero to one.  Only the Wal-Mart shoppers think she is actually zero, but they don’t even realize that that is impossible.

761.  What a great lesson I have in store for you today.  Today you are going to say, “Wow!  I can’t believe public education is FREE!”  I haven’t been this excited about a lesson since last time.

762.  The best way to avoid discipline problems is the classroom is a heavy dose of cheesy, really cheesy jokes.  The kids will get used to them and come to expect an order of free queso with every lesson.

763.  OK, you say we should preserve the domain at all costs.  I say, it’s OK to restrict it, so long as we don’t expand it.  It’s a matter of preference really.  I’m the teacher, which means, I’m the boss.  If there is no real profound mathematical consequence, you will do as I say, or your class rank will drop.  Otherwise, we are just splitting hairs, and when I say hairs, I mean like on the top of your head, not bunnies.  That’s for biology class, AND that’s how the real-world works.

764.  Today is a free day.  I’m really tired.  If you object, please take it up with the Principal.  To keep it on the level, as I sleep, you may calculate the area under my curve.  Please use theoretical data rather than empirical.  I would like to live to sleep another day.

765.   Yes I drink a full pot of coffee each day, and I put it all in this big giant mug.  And that’s all I need, just one cup a day, then.  No tell me that it’s bad for me, too much caffeine, etc.  If caffeine is bad for you, then everything is bad for you.  I’ll honestly say that the fumes from that powerful bold-colored green dry-erase marker are more detrimental than caffeine . . . but for you students, in the name of mathematics, I assume the risks.  It just comes with the job of being a teacher.

766. Your homework is like a really good steak—rarely done.

767.  My marvelous masters of math meddle in my mistakes, making my mishaps material for mathematical merriment.

768.  All arrays aren’t always arranged alphabetically.

769.  Mathematical mastery mitigates matriculation misery.

770.  Determining Derivatives Demands Dedicated, Diligent Disciples.

771.  Sleeping Students Sometimes Salivate Sloppily on Schoolwork.

772.  Homework helps hone helpful habits.

773.  Confidently calculating complex calculus computations commands committed concentration.

774.  Learning limits lightly is, loosely, lunacy.

775.  Intimately investigation infinitesimals introduces initiates and ingrates to infinite ideas.

776.  Participation prepares people positively for purposeful pursuits.

777.  Most matters of math muster the mind’s mighty muscle.

778.  Knowing numbers is a non-negotiable necessity.

779.  Proving postulates purports painstaking persistence and presupposes patience.

780.  Educators endure enormous entourages of energetic ensembles.

781.  Alliteration almost automatically alleviates ailments . . . Anyways . . .

782.  Painful persistence pertaining to particular procedures promotes prolonged procurement of proper practices.

783.  Functions form the fundamental foundations of finite formulas for finding forces.

784.  Fall finals foster fear for fatuous fellows who frantically forget formulas.

785.  Starting spring semesters signal salient, sallying sounds of seniors singing saporous, seductive songs of summer.

786.  Trig’s tricky triangular tasks take time to tackle triumphantly.

787.  The real roots of romance aren’t reason or ‘rithmetic, rather reducible to raw, robust regard for roses.

788.  The terminable task of taking the TAKS test is torturous and taxing, though tacitly tolerable.

789.  You say I drink too much coffee.  10 cups a day!  Big deal.  You should see my coffee maker.  It can make 12 cups at a time.  So to me, 10 cups is already in moderation.

790.  Man, this Calculus book is heavy.  I get tired of lifting it up on my podium.  It must really suck to be y’all, having to carry it around all day with all those other books.  Man it sucks to be y’all.

791.  Although my big huge mug says, “Texas Tea Cup,” it’s just a false front, a cover, for what it really contains.  No, my friends, it doesn’t contain any tea at all.  It really contains the warmer, equally caffeinated drink: coffee.  It’s so fun to fool people.

792.  That was a great discussion we had today.  Thank y’all for being so mathematically feisty.

793.  A function and an inverse have all their y-ey and x-ey stuff switched.  What is exy on the function is now very exy on its inverse.

794.  Calculus is so much fun because we get to have some great philosophical discussions regarding zero and infinity.  They are such seriously profound and related concepts that history has had many sects devoted entirely to them.  That’s s-e-c-t-s.  Probably fewer of the other type.

795.  Korpi: “I know I promised that this would be the last problem we work today in class, but I want to work just one more, because I think it will help you in the homework.”  Student:  “So you’re a compulsive liar, huh?”  Korpi:  “No, Call me a ‘Friday Fibber’.”  Student:  “So you aren’t a compulsive liar?”  Korpi:  “Yes, I am.  I was just lying earlier.”

796.  Damn, I hate these white dry-erase markers.  I never know where to erase!

797.  The slower I talk, the sleepier I get!

798.  I think the past participle of “to drink” should be “have drinken,” not “have drunk.”  I think the word “drunk” should be reserved for times when you say, “Dang, I’m drunk!  I guess I have drinken too much!”

799.   There are only 2 minutes left for the quiz.  You should be getting really close to making your final guesses.

800.   Korpi:  “Boy, it sure feels like a Friday today!”  Student: “But, today *is* Friday.”  Korpi:  “Hence the veracity of my previous statement!”

801.   I’m not of the high and supreme moral fabric you think I am.  I’m more sublemon than sublime.

802.   He who forgets his food in the microwave is doomed to reheat it.

803.   I like to be fit.  I don’t like to exercise though, and when I’m fit, I’d rather have someone else do it, like a Tailor, but it’s very important to be fit.  You wouldn’t want your clothes to fit you inappropriately.

804.   You can bet that that will happen 99 times out of 99 ½ chances.

805.   My dad used to work in the used car business.   It was brutal.  He had one day off a week, and when sales were down, he was required to work on his day off.  As it turns out, Idiot Shark Logic dictates that fewer sales is a function of lack of salesmen.  So what ended up happening is there were 10 guys just standing around most of the day instead of just 8.  The neanderthal sales manager who sits on his brain all day, had no clue that low sales was not caused by the lack of salesmen to handle the customers BUT THE LACK OF CUSTOMERS THEMSELVES!!!!  Hello!! 

806.   I know all the digits of Pi, I just don’t know what order they go in.

807.   Student:  “Mr. Korpi, is the next test going to be hard?”  Korpi:  “Do you really want me to answer that?  What do you think?  Have we had one yet that’s been soft?  Let’s just say it’ll be darn solid.”

808.   As much as I dislike teaching Precal, not only because I don’t like the subject, but especially because of the whiny, youth-like, skill-deficient students that take it, if I’m going to keep teaching Calculus, I need to keep teaching precal so that I don’t end up feeling the same way about calculus.  I’d rather get the stupidity out of them at a lower level than at a higher one.

809.   My wife keeps telling me I’m out of shape.  I keep telling her that I’m not out of shape, I’m just so malleable and flexible, that I can take on many shapes.

810.   I’m about to say something that is not funny in the least bit:  “Orbital Sanders aren’t so random as cheeseburgers driving taxis.”

811.   Have you ever tried to assemble phrases of words that you imagine have never been spoken in that particular sequence before?  Phrases like, “Whale aphrodisiacs with chalk and dice,” or the rarer sequence, “Hey!  I like math.”

812.   Have you noticed that all cars now have a starting price of like, under 35 thousand dollars, like $34,999?  Then in the commercials, they show the car, and in the small print at the bottom, it reads, “$34,999 base price, $84,999 as shown,” and you’re wondering, “Dang, if that one’s 85 grand and it has all the components of a car, what’s the base model that costs 35 grand lacking?  Do the windows roll down?  OH!  They all have On-Star, so I can find the closest McDonald’s Restaurant.  How did we ever get along without these cars?  I don’t know, but I’m going to have to keep getting along without them, ‘cause I sure can’t afford them, and I can find McDonald’s by myself, thank you very much.

813.   Do you ever wonder when we are going to run out of original melodies for songs?  Or at least when we are going to run out of melodies with G, C, and D as chords?  They are already recycling melodies at my sons Pre-K school.  Every week he comes home singing a different song to the tune of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” . . . Think about it, you’ve learned 3 different tunes as a tad to the ABC song: ABC, Twinkle, Twinkle, and Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.  . . .No, you never wonder that?  Well, I’m making a prediction, I’m saying in 180.95 years.

814.   You’re Lazy with a capital “E.”

815.   My wife’s name is spelled “S-H-E-A-L-Y-N-N.”  The P is silent, and noticeably absent.

816.   I think “Nimrod” is a word that is too frequently underused.

817.   When I drive places in town, I might as well be a passenger, because it’s all the stupid people behind the wheels of the other cars that DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

818.   I Love to play tennis, and I suck at it, so that always happens to be my score, too.  But it’s still OK, because just like to raise a racquet.

819.   Writing jokes is not a joking matter.  You must take it seriously or people will just laugh at you.

820.   “People” magazine:  it’s like High School for grown-ups (attributed by Kilford)

821.   I laugh at people who read magazines like “People” and “Us;” people who watch programs like “Entertainment Tonight” and “Xtra.”  I guess the general American public needs to live vicariously through the shallow, idiotic, materialistic people they choose to support.  It’s like tracking your stock portfolio; only, you are not earning anything on your investment in celebrities.  You go to their games, you watch their movies, you read their books, you buy their clothes, you sing their songs, blah, blah, blah.   If you don’t want me to LAUGH AT YOU, you must become one of these people and not the people who are interested in them.

822.   One of my favorite bands is “The Cure.”  Listening to their music is like a big Vicadan pill for the troubled soul:  it provides acute, temporary comfort to a chronic, incurable illness.

823.   I’m so tired, I can almost sleep, but not so tired that I can’t.

824.   I’m so bored, you can use me build a piece of wood.

825.   I was very precocious as a child.  When I was 1.9, I really acted like I was terribly 2.1!

826.   I like to say funny things, especially when people are eating; it’s fun to watch mashed potatoes and root beer shoot out of someone’s nose, unless you are sitting across from them, then it’s just gross, but funny to others.  I like people laughing with me, not at me.  This is why I always sit across from librarians.

827.    My wife tells me I’m delusional; that I think I’m funnier than I really am.  That’s OK.  I’ll have the last laugh when I get someone else to play my wife on my sitcom: someone like . . . Lassie!

828.   I don’t know what I’d do without my wife.  I love her to death.  But sometimes she drives me crazy, so instead of getting mad, I just try to love her more and more and more and more, hoping that I really do love her that much.

829.   I don’t know what to say in a situation like this, so I’ll just say, “Skitelbitsemkarft.”

830.   I’m not a good comforter.   If something tragic has happened in you life, you can expect a “there, there” from me.  If you have died, you can guarantee an extra “there.”

831.   Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I always knew the results of your test would come back Pos . . . err (cough) I mean Negative!  Look at that alien over there!!!!!!!!!!!

832.   Writing is easy.  It’s coming up with what to write that is a bit more challenging.

833.   If I ever wrote a book, people would probably be amazed, since the advent of the typewriter and keyboard.  They would probably ask, “Why didn’t you just type it?  That would have been more appropriate.  Then you could have just emailed your editor your manuscript as an attachment.”  True, but how many people can say that they have typed a book?

834.   My favorite band is “Los Lonely Boys.”  Everyone else I introduce them to, which means tape them to a chair while the band plays in the background, says that they will “never give it up” and that the band sucks!!  You know, Willie Nelson is touting them as “His favorite new band.”  I guess that makes me and Willie honorary members of the band.

835.   I’ve said a lot of profound things in my life, and many funny things, but none as profound and funny as the claim I just made.

836.   The girls around here suck.  My wife sees that as a threat.

837.   In 1943, America was preparing for World War II, but my Dad was a Sophomore in High School thinking, “If I can only land that rural farming girl, our son can drive a standard automobile.  Oh the gene pool potential, because the spaceships of the future will have standard transmission, and that girl can drive a tractor.”

838.   I’m a very dizzy fellow.  I guess I shouldn’t spin so fast in my own boots.

839.   Life sucks: if you’re lucky.

840.   Wife-n-someone who tells you what to do, when you want to do otherwise.

841.   When we graph Supply and Demand curves, we measure price on the vertical axis and commodity quantities on the other.  An example of a commodity could be a commode.  It works well as a commodity, but it works better as a toilet.

842.   At my house, we reserve the second-story for the upstairs only.

843.   I don’t care much for polka music;  it’s like crazy, annoying polka music with words I don’t understand.

844.   In mathematics it is impressive to be able to navigate through a long problem and perform all the necessary long and drawn-out computations successfully; however, it is even more impressive if you can find a way to do the problem more efficiency and actually do less complex and lengthy calculations.  Efficiency, after all, is nothing more than intelligent laziness.

845.   My wife and I have a three-year-old son and an 18-month-old daughter who was born about a year and a half ago.

846.   When I went for physical therapy after my knee surgery, I was the only patient there who didn’t like playing dominoes.

847.   My surgery on my knee went so well, I think I am going to have the other done to match, but not just yet.  I figured I wait 100 years or so.

848.   When it comes to enforcing my knee-bending exercises, my wife is very inflexible.

849.   The only thing worse than having to use crutches, is needing them and not having them.  But I have to admit, I rely on them pretty heavily, I use them as a crutch. 

850.  I’m so tired, I could sleep with a horse.

851.  Hurry up and wait your turn.

852.   I scheduled my alarm for 2:17 so that I’d remember when to turn my alarm off.

853.  Student:  Look Mr. Korpi, I have an idea.  Since the schedule this week is all messed up, why don’t we split the assignment up in two.  We can do part today and part tomorrow.  I think this would be a good compromise.  Korpi:  What are you—the Henry Clay of Calculus Class?

854.  Today is the first day after the second day before the next day that comes after the previous day last time.

855.  Please live each day to its fullest.  Another Wednesday won’t come around for another week!

856.  When it comes to teaching Calculus, I’m like Pavlov’s dog.  When I hear the bell to start class, I start salivating.

857.  My wife and my favorite time of day is dusk: when our son goes down.  He is such a dynamo.

858.  SURE we can watch a movie next time in class.  However, I don’t have a VCR, so we will just have to sit around and stare and the cassette tape.  I hope it’s a suspenseful movie!

859.  I love to get up every morning and look at the photos in the local newspaper.  After all, it is the journalistic equivalent of a children’s picture book.

860.  If I was any stronger in will, I might have the power to consider saying “No”—to nuclear arms.

861.  Today after school, I will be giving an AP review.  If no one shows up, I will still give the review, because that’s just the way I am—a man of my word.  Please feel free to walk by, then, and laugh at me through the window.

862.  The old English teacher is having a birthday today.  He is turning 54.  He doesn’t look a day over 58.

863.   Friday was a very sad and disappointing day for me, but the following day was a Saturday.

864.  Yes! you may go to the bathroom, but for God's sake, don't do it here.

865.   I can’t stand sitting down.  If I was forced to, I’d have to take it lying down.

866.  I know each of you is familiar with all of the area formulas from geometry.  If not, I’d like to introduce them to you.  You can call me the “area formula” pimp.  Although, I must admit, I’m a broke pimp.  Because these formulas typically sell themselves.

867.   I went for my pre-op consultation before I had my ACL reconstruction surgery.  The physical therapist asked me what I was unable to do since my accident.  I was honest.  I told him that I could no longer play football in the NFL, hockey in the NHL, basketball in the NBA, baseball in the MLB, and I haven’t been able to win the Nobel Peace prize since I tore my ACL.  He then clarified his question, to which I responded . . . .

868.   I only have one vice, and, like all good vices, it helps me cope with my other vices, such as compulsive lying.

869.   Life sucks, if you’re lucky.

870.   My kids are the joy of my life.  Without them I’d have more money.  I’d have more free time.  I could come and go as I please.  My wife and I could travel more.  I’d get to sleep on more than 2 square inches of mattress, I wouldn’t have to go to restaurants that serve chicken nuggets, I watch programs other than “Sponge Bob Squarepants,” I’d read books other than “Mother Goose,” and I could listen to something on the radio other than “Disney’s Greatest Animated Movie Songs.”  Yep, pure joy.

871.   If you are so concerned with your life in the Real-World, you shouldn’t care how this math stuff is going to help you in the Real-World.  The fact is, it probably won’t.  But! It will help you now.  And, the better you do know, the better chance you have of getting into a good college, which will determine the job you obtain after college, which will determine your quality of life for the rest of your life IN THE REAL WORLD.  So, shut up and learn!

872.   I’m so tired, I could sleep with a horse.

873.   If you approach calculus next year with the same half-heartedness (and pardon the overstatement) that you are now approaching Precalculus, you will fall faster than a feather tied to a 10 thousand pound lead weight.

874.   I’m sorry to say this, but I’m really to blame for y’all’s recent poor performance.  Y’all merely fell to my level of expectation.  I tried to make things easy for y’all, but in doing that, I now realize that I was giving y’all a green light to take it easy.  I’ve been pandering to y’all’s incessant whining. I promise it won’t happen again.

875.   If you don’t learn this stuff, how can you ever expect to forget it?